There is a Day

The Bady Partnership

2012-01-20T16:11:00.004-05:00

I would like to introduce you to my new blog, "The Bady Partnership." (I will keep up my occasional blogging here. The Bady Partnership is a new adventure.)

As you may know, I am a survivor of assault and sexual violence. I've shared bits of peices of my story here over the years. My journey of healing has been a long one. I've been aided along the way by supportive friends and family, my faith and my German Shepherd Dog, Bady. After I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, many of the struggles I experienced began to make sense. When Bady came into my life, seven years after my assault, I was at the end of my rope. Bady provided me with the sense of security I needed to heal. (I often say that he restored my false sense of security.) He gave me space to work through my trauma issues. While I will never by completely free of PTSD, I now live most days symptom free.

The Bady Partnership is the beginning sketches of a dream to help other people who have experienced violent or life-threatening assaults and sexual violence find healing. Our way-out-there dream is to one day become a non-profit agency to facilitate canine partnership for people with PTSD, provide education about Rape-Related PTSD and explore other avenues of healing, including recreational therapies. The blog is an opportunity for me to begin to articulate the vision and share what I am learning about PTSD and it's treatment.

As a Christian and as a pastor, I see this as an important ministry and as part of my larger call to ministry. Jesus came so that we all could live abundantly. Abundant living is difficult when one is dealing with the effects of trauma and trying to manage PTSD symptoms on a daily (or hourly) basis. I've identified three passages from Scripture as my focus passages for The Bady Partnership.

For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ~ John 15:11-12

God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. ~ Genesis 1:25

Check our The Bady Partnership when you have a chance! Then let me know what you think.

Ministry Musings: Disciplines

2012-01-14T19:09:00.002-05:00

Last week I attended the New England Conference Pastor's Winter Gathering. It seemed to come quickly on the heels of Christmas and I was feeling a little stressed about going. I am so glad I went! The topic was "The Art of Spiritual Growth." We had several speakers who talked about spiritual growth from different perspectives: music, art, spiritual disciplines, self care, etc. The whole event was enlightening and the opportunity to fellowship with colleagues was renewing. There were two gems in particular that I took away from the event that touched me personally at this point on my journey:

1. Disciplines are things that we do for ourselves. Lately I've embarked on some new spiritual disciplines. For the most part they have been fruitful. However, during those times that I've 'slipped' I've felt guilty about it. This reminder helped me to know that guilt is so not the point. My disciplines are things I've decided to do to help me draw closer to God. There are going to be times when I slip and forget and that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day with a new opportunity to do something beneficial for myself.

2. The second gem is similar. One of the workshop presenters is a colleague that I deeply respect and consider to be a way more spiritual person than I am. During his workshop he presented his daily discipline and made it clear that he practices that particular discipline five days a week. The other two days he does another discipline ~ or none at all. I've bee struggling with those two days and how to live out my spiritual disciplines on the weekends (Friday and Saturday for me). If he can give himself a break two days a week I think I can too!

Fabulous Furries: Best Picture of Zeke Ever

2012-01-01T19:26:00.002-05:00

Zeke isn't know for being particularly photogenic, but this Christmas Day picture does capture some of his best qualities. First, you can see that cute little black nose that usually blends with the rest of his fur. Then there are his big, beautiful, amber eyes. For a 16 year old cat, I think he is looking quite dapper! (From this picture one might even mistake him for a friendly cat.)

Zeke has been with me since before seminary. He has accompanied me to each of the churches I've served. I've been with Zeke longer than I've been with Gary! Most of the time he doesn't seem like an "old" cat, but at 16 I know anything can happen. I have to admit that the possibility that Zeke won't make it to see 2013 has crossed my mind. We've joked that Zeke will out live all of us out of spite, but I suspect that won't be the case.

So I am happy to have the good picture of my cute but elderly little man. 2012 may be the Year of the Dragon, but in our house it will always be the Year of the Cat!

Fun with the Family: Merry Christmas

2011-12-28T12:36:00.004-05:00

The lead-up to Christmas felt especially hectic this year. I ended up making several pastoral visits in the two weeks leading up to Christmas Day. These visits were important both for me and for the people I saw, but also took big chunks out of my available time. I also found there were a bunch of little things that needed to be taken care of at the last minute ~ both Christmas related and not. I put in more than a few very long days and skipped going to the gym more than I would like to admit. Having Christmas fall on a Sunday just added to the, um, excitement.

Even so ~ and maybe because of it ~ Christmas was wonderful. The Christmas Eve services were spirit-filled and celebratory. The Christmas Day worship was, as one parishioner aptly put it, filled with love. And in the midst of it all, I got to spend some great time with Gary and the furry family members.

After the Christmas Eve services Gary set up the tripod to try to capture our yearly holiday photo. After a busy, exhausting day this about sums it up. I love the smiles on our faces. (Well, Zeke isn't smiling, but.......)

Advent Expectation

2011-12-05T16:29:00.002-05:00

I seem to be a little out of practice for Advent. Last year I missed Advent with my congregation since I spent most of it with my Dad in the days before his death. Dad died on December 18th and I didn't return to worship with my congregation until the Sunday after Christmas. Liturgically I went from Christ the King Sunday to Epiphany. Everything in between was a blur.

Spiritually I also missed out on Advent. It was difficult to wait with anticipation for the birth of the Christ Child while I was also anticipating the death of my father. Even so, I was able to draw the connection that, even in the midst of death and despair, Christ comes. A week after my father died we celebrated the birth of the savior of the world. That is the good news. Christ comes.

So this year I am trying to be present in Advent. Even as the Christmas tree and lights and cookies remind me of hospital beds and visiting nurses and funeral directors, I know that Christ comes. In fact, Christ comes right into our living rooms whether they are filled with presents or littered with medications and oxygen machines. Christ still comes.

This is the good news.

Renewal

2011-11-07T16:07:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a little low on spiritual-reserves lately, so it is a good thing I am getting away for a Spiritual Renewal Retreat this week. I am headed to the Weston Priory for a couple of days of quiet time to renew my soul and restore my spirit. I hope to return filled and ready for the Advent season.

It is easy for me to neglect this renewal time and think I can get by on empty for just a little longer. In fact, I am having trouble remembering the last time I got away specifically for spiritual renewal. Sure, I've taken vacations and attended continuing education events, but spiritual renewal is something different. Spiritual renewal is a specific and deliberate set-aside-time to spend with God. I feel blessed to work within a denomination that recognizes the need for such time. I am grateful to serve a church that encourages me to spend the time away from them to renew myself so I can be a better pastor.

So I wonder what God will have in store for me this week in the quiet moments we will spend together. I have a couple of books to bring and some writing I would like to do, but I am also looking forward to just "being" for a period of time. Just being and listening and opening myself to that still, small voice.

Friday Five (on Saturday): Uplifted Edition

2011-10-29T19:27:00.003-04:00

The days are getting shorter and darker. It is easy to get down this time of year. The RevGalBlogPal "Friday Five" is an invitation to think about what gives you a lift. RevGal Sally writes:

"Over the last few weeks I have been struggling with depression, I know that from reading other folks blogs that I am not alone in this, and from time to time if not suffering from depression that everyone feels down. With that in mind I wonder what lifts you?"

So I'd like you to share 5 things:

1. A Scripture- it might be a verse or a whole book!

Psalm 126 always lifts my Spirits, particularly verses 1 & 2:

¹ When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
² Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.

I can't help but smile right along with them! The Lord has done great things for us. Amen!

2. A piece of music.

My general answer is anything Dar Williams. Dar's music is funny and touching and poignant. I love all her CDs. I hear my own life reflected in her songs. Sometimes, though, I need something with a little more kick to it and that is when I get out Sheryl Crow or Meredith Brooks or Alanis Morissette. Other times something quieter and (more) spiritual is called for so I turn to my Taize CDs. I guess it all depends on the circumstances!

3. A place.

Home. I am a homebody. I love puttering around the house. I love the quiet of being home alone. I love reading on the couch and playing ball with Bady in the backyard. I even enjoy doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen and washing the floors. If I am stressed or having a bad day give me an afternoon at home alone to clean and putter and read and I will soon be in much better spirits.

4. A person/ group of people

Gary. He's the one who has walked with me through my darkest days. He's seen me at my worst and he's stuck with me. He knows what to do when I'm sick or sad or grumpy. He's the one I want to have around no matter what. (Thanks Honey!)

5. Something you do...

I could be having a difficult week at work or a challenging time at home, but when I get out on the Schutzhund field with Bady and my training friends I forget all about it. It is a place completely apart from the day to day stressors of my life. Schutzhund challenges me in a completely different way. After an afternoon or evening of training ~ in the rain, in the heat, in the snow, in the cold ~ I am rejuvenated and ready to face whatever challenges await back at home or in the office.

Eating Local

2011-10-15T20:25:00.002-04:00

This year we signed up for our first CSA (Community Supported Agriculture). We started receiving our weekly boxes of veggies in June and I'll pick up our last box next week. It has been an interesting experience. We definitely threw away more food than I would like to admit. (How many tomatoes, cucumbers and zucchini can one eat in a week?) We also experienced some new vegetables and some new ways to cook familiar ones. I made mashed celeriac for the first time! We also ate a LOT of squash ~ acorn, butternut and delicata!

We wasted a lot of greens (kale and collard, for example) because we just didn't know what do with them and they wilted before we figured it out. Next year I would like to do better with preserving food so that it doesn't go to waste as well as figuring out how to eat the more perishable stuff in time.

All in all, we enjoyed it. We had fun pointing out all the "Vermont grown" food we were eating. It is nice to know that the food we enjoyed was not shipped across the country, but came from just up the road. It was also good to know that we were supporting a local farm through our share commitment, especially with all the flooding both in the spring and fall. And who knew that Vermont jalapenos would be so hot!

Five This Fall

2011-10-09T16:49:00.006-04:00

I haven't been great about keeping up on things this fall! So here are five things that have happened so far this September and October.

1. At the end of September we participated in our second Walk to Defeat ALS. So far the walk has raised $50,000. Amazing! There seemed to be more walkers than last year. This, perhaps, means that there is more awareness of ALS in our community. It could also mean that more people are being diagnosed. Last year we walked in honor of my father. This year we walked in memory of him. It was a bittersweet day and I hope that the donations we raised can bring us closer to a cure so families no longer have to go through what we went through.

2. This week I've enjoyed a little vacation visiting with some of my favorite girls including this little cutie!

3. And this little cutie too! It was so much fun to be "Auntie Krista for a couple of days.

4. After my visit with the girls, Gary and I spent the night in Springfield with his landlord family. They treated us to a delicious dinner of chicken vegetable soup and tamales! It was my first time ever having a tamale. After I figured out how to unwrap them from the corn husk they were very good. The sauce was a little spicy for me, though. After dinner we snuck out for an ice-cream sundae. I had peanut butter ice-cream with peanut butter topping and peanut butter cups. Yum! On our way back to Burlington on Friday we stopped in Killington and watched some of the Dock Dogs National Championships. The jumps these dogs took were amazing!

5. Our most recent adventure this fall was running in the "Four Paws for Lacey's Cause" 5K. Lacey's Cause is a non-profit that supports the medical care of retired police dogs in Vermont. It was my first 5K and I was pleased not to come in last! At at 77 degrees it was very warm for a Vermont fall day. I was glad to support Bady's "brethren in blue." After the race we saw some K-9 demos from local and state police K-9s and their handlers.

So far it has been an eventful fall!

Monday Musings

2011-09-12T16:22:00.003-04:00

Here we are on September 12th. Where has the summer gone? It still feels mostly like summer, with warm temperatures during the day, but the nights do get chilly and the leaves are starting to turn! For the most part I would say we had a fun, productive summer. I wish I had gone bike riding more often, but there is only so much one can do with one's time. Perhaps there will be opportunity for a fall bike ride or two!

Church life has definitely transitioned to the fall. Church School kicked-off yesterday and there was a palpable increase in energy in the sanctuary. It felt good. Our ministry teams are gathering back after a little down-time and Charge Conference is even on the calendar! I do have a fall vacation planned and a fall visit from Mum to look forward to as the days get shorter.

Bady and I are enjoying fall training with our Schutzhund training group. The sun is setting earlier, though, which presents a challenge on the field. Our hopes for another title this year were a little beyond our reach so we are focusing on our Schutzhund A or Schutzhund 1 for next spring. We have a lot of work to do over the winter ~ training with our group and training at home and training at the park ~ to prepare.

I give thanks for family and friends and meaningful work. I feel blessed and lucky to be able to connect with some community workers doing good things in the field of domestic and sexual violence. I am learning much from them. I will continue to meet with the Country Domestic and Sexual Violence Task Force as I seek ways to share what I have learned from my journey with PTSD and my continued journey of healing from trauma. Reading about PTSD helps to put my experiences into context and build my knowledge base.

I guess those are my Monday Musings for the moment! Thanks be to God for all the little things that make up life!

The Calm after the Storm

2011-08-29T15:51:00.002-04:00

Today is an absolutely beautiful day. You almost wouldn't know that there was a hurricane yesterday! Irene blew through with high winds and torrential rains. Up here in northern VT we didn't get the worst of it. Flash-floods, though, in the southern part of the state continue to be very severe. My thoughts are with my fellow New Englanders struggling with the effects of the storm. My biggest inconvenience has been picking up sticks in our yard. We have two trees that shed branches in a mild breeze. I was actually surprised there weren't more branches down after the howling winds of last night. This afternoon I spent 30 minutes gathering sticks I only cleared about 1/8 of the yard. I'll keep at it and I'm sure there will be some left for Gary to pick up when he gets home at the end of the week!

The sky is an amazing blue today and the clouds are white and puffy in the sky just like a painting. The only give-away of the hurricane is the slightly tousled look of the trees, like they haven't quite gotten their branches and leaves back in place after a hard night.

Happy Anniversary!

2011-08-25T14:07:00.001-04:00

Today marks three years of Bady and I working together! He came home to live with me (after two months of training at the kennel) on August 24, 2008. On August 25, 2008 he went to the office with me for the first time. I often say that the first night he came home was the first night I was able to really sleep in seven years. It took us a little longer to settle into our work routine, but his coming to work with me has allowed me to focus on my work and be a much more effective and engaged pastor.

Before I got Bady, when I was dealing with worst symptoms of PTSD, hyper-arousal (feeling constantly "on guard" or being jumpy or easily startled) kept me from sleeping and concentrating well. Working with Bady has relieved that symptom since he is the one who's job it is to be on guard.

And it hasn't been all work. We've had a lot of fun together too!

There is a day...

2011-08-22T17:00:00.002-04:00

There is a day when summer seems to tilt into fall, and I think that day was today. There was a definite chill in the air when I brought Bady to the backyard this morning. The temperature warmed, but there was still a chill on the wind this afternoon as I ate ice-cream outside with some friends. The morning low tomorrow is predicted to be about 40 degrees.

In some ways it seems that summer has slipped by too fast. Ben's visit has come and gone. Campmeeting is over. The church leaders are putting their eyes towards the important business of the fall ~ Church School, Music Programs, Charge Conference. The lazy days of summer, if not over, are coming to an end. And I think I am glad.

I'm find that the first year after losing my Dad is painful in ways one cannot predict. Of course, this is what everyone tells you but it is hard to understand until it is experienced first hand. Did I have a good Campmeeting? Yes, I did. (But it was different because my Dad was not there as he always had been and, as I thought, he always would be.) Even things that don't directly relate to my Dad are different because I don't have a Dad. As Anne Lamott wrote in one of her fabulous books, "Life is better when you have a Dad."

So this has been my first summer without my Dad. And some other things have happened that I am not prepared to blog about yet.

So I am ready to transition into the fall and watch the leaves turn brilliant colors and die and fall to the ground. And I am ready to watch the first snow fly and prepare for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I am ready to enter another new year and it will be the second year of not having a Dad. And it may not be any better, but it will be different.

There is a day when time begins to heal, and I don't want to rush it.... but I'll be ready for that day when it comes.

Friday Five ~ Decisions, Decisions

2011-07-29T13:02:00.004-04:00

It's been a long time since I've participated in the Friday Five. I think the last time was before I moved two years ago. It feels good to be back.

RevGal Sharon asks:

How do you decide? Check out the following pairs and tell which one of each appeals to you most:

1) Sunrise or Sunset

Sunset! I haven't seen too many sunrises, but I have great memories of sunsets. The most beautiful sunsets involve pick clouds to which I always proclaim, "Red at night, sailors' delight!" Last year Gary and I witnessed a beautiful sunset on Marco Island, FL from our hotel room balcony. We ran down to the beach to try to get a better picture and by the time we arrived the sun had melted into the ocean.

2) To the Mountains or To the Beach

Mountains! Marco Island vacation aside, the mountains are where my heart is. I would much rather be taking in the view from the top of a mountain than sitting on a beach all day. This probably has to do with the fact that most of my childhood vacations involved camping and hiking. Each year we would head to Baxter State Park and chose a new peak to climb. Living in Vermont I love that I am surrounded by mountains and can see them (weather permitting) every day.

3) Coffee or Tea

Both! One cup of coffee when I first get up is essential. One cup of tea mid-day helps me focus. I could not get by with out both!

4) Advent or Lent

Advent is a beautiful season, but I get much more out of Lent. I find that my focus during Advent is divided between all the church work that needs to get done and all the personal preparations for Christmas that also need to get done. Lent is a quieter and more spiritual time for me. It is also longer. I always feel much more spiritually prepared for Easter than I do for Christmas. (Maybe I should try to do something about that!)

5) "Raindrops on Roses" or "Whiskers on Kittens"

Whiskers on kittens. Those who read my blog know how much I love animals, so enough said!

Blessed or Just Lucky

2011-07-05T13:51:00.003-04:00

Ten years ago today I was the victim of sexual assault and attempted murder. The anniversary date has always been inextricably linked to the Fourth of July celebrations. This year, like most years, I passed on the fireworks and treated the holiday like any other day.

But not quite like any other day. Each year the anniversary date hits me a little differently. This year I spent the days leading up to it reflecting on the past ten years of my life. In these past ten years I've married, become a stepmother, moved twice, been commissioned and ordained, met many wonderful people and made life-long friends. These are all things I never would have experienced if July 5, 2001 turned out differently.

The other day I began to reflect on how blessed I feel to have experienced all these past ten years had to offer. But then I began to feel uncomfortable with the word 'blessed.' To say that I was blessed would be to imply that someone who didn't survive a similar situation wasn't blessed. Yes, I feel that God was with me on July 5, 2001 when I survived. I also know that God would have been with me had I not survived. I don't believe God saved me for a particular reason, and not someone else, as part of a grand plan. Why one person survives a horrific event and another doesn't I don't know. There were certain things I did that night that aided my survival. Yet, had just one thing been different I likely would not be here today. In many ways I feel just lucky.

That is not to say that blessings can't come out of what happened to me. That is, I believe, the true blessing of any experience ~ what one does with it. The healing I have experienced is one of the biggest blessings that came from this situation. This week, as the anniversary approached, I began to feel my PTSD resurfacing and it was a blessing that I could recognize it and do something about it before it became overwhelming. The work I have done with Bady has been a blessing and, hopefully, the work of the Bady Partnership will be a blessing into the future. For me, the greatest blessing I can imagine is to share the hard work I've done to heal with someone else so they can experience that healing too. This is my prayer ~ ten years later.

We Did It!

2011-06-20T16:08:00.002-04:00

Introducing Bady aus der Ritemberg, BH! Last weekend we earned our first Schutzhund title! You can probably tell by the look on that furry face that Bady is pretty proud of himself. And he should be! He demonstrated his ability to stay down under distraction, perform formal obedience, behave in traffic situations, interact with a crowd, and remain indifferent on a down (with me out of sight) as another dog walked by him. He did amazing!

Indeed I am very proud of both of us! Thinking back to where we were two years ago, this is an amazing accomplishment. We have worked very hard together and had great fun doing it. We are definitely a happier team ~ in life and in work ~ for all that we have done together.

Now we can move on to out next Schutzhund title, which will be our Schutzhund 1. There are three phases to the Schutzhund 1 ~ obedience, tracking and protection! We have done a lot of obedience and a fair amount of protection, but tracking will be new to us. Let's get started!

P.S. Joke shared at our Holy Humor Worship last Sunday: What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds! (Woof)

Road Trips

2011-06-06T15:56:00.003-04:00

This is the month of road trips! Memorial Day weekend we drove down to Merrimack, NH to watch our first Schutzhund Trial. Bady went with us and I was able to work him on their field. It was good practice for our upcoming trial! We made the trip in one day ~ three hours down and three hours back.

Last weekend we went up to Maine to celebrate our niece's high school graduation. At 5 1/2 hours the trip was shorter than I thought it would be. We went Saturday and came back Sunday. We had a great time celebrating with Shelby. (How could she be old enough to graduate from high school?) We also visited with Gary's parents and surveyed tornado damage!

This week it is off to Annual Conference. That will be another 3 1/2 hour trip but I will have good company. Two of our equalization members will be joining me for the ride down and back. The Conference is Wednesday through Saturday so we will have some time to recover from the drive before we have to head home.

The following weekend we will be going to our first Schutzhund Trial to participate! That will be held in Connecticut, so I anticipate meeting Gary down there and staying at least one night in Springfield. Along with getting our BH Title and cheering on our friend Ian as he goes for his Schutzhund 2, we hope to squeeze in a visit with Stephanie and Jake if it fits with their schedule. Then it's back for church on Sunday!

Finally, the last week of June we will make a trip to the Grove to celebrate my Dad's life. Ben will be with us by then and we will spend a couple days at our camp attending Dad's Memorial Service and visiting with family and friends. I anticipate it being both a happy and a sad time. Turning into the Grove knowing my Dad isn't there (at least not in the same way he had been before) will probably be the hardest part.

After that I hope we can spend a couple of weeks at home. The cars (and our suitcases) will need a rest!

Fostering Life

2011-05-23T17:19:00.003-04:00

Today I spent some time with a congregation member who recently moved into a nursing facility for those dealing with dementia. The last time I saw her was before the move and she was looking drawn, sad and seemed very confused. Today when I walked in a smile spread across her face and she said, "There's my minister." While it was probably the case that she could not remember my name, I was pleasantly surprised that she recognized me at all.

In the small room she now occupies she is surrounded by her belongings and pictures of family and friends. The nursing staff that stopped by during my visit were very pleasant, seemed glad to meet me, and expressed joy at knowing my congregation member. She told stories of jokes, fun times, and field trips she has already shared with fellow residents and members of the staff.

During the time that we spent together she barely stopped talking. She was more full of joy than I had ever seen her. It seems clear that the place where she currently lives is a place that is life-giving. At one point during our conversation she referred to a friend who "also has Alzheimer's, just like me." I was particularly pleased to hear that there was no shame associated with her diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease. It was just a fact of life that wasn't going to stop her from living.

This visit definitely gave me hope. (Isn't it often the case that we go with the intent to give something to someone else and end up walking away having received a gift?) That all places ~ our homes, our churches, our care-giving facilities ~ could be places that foster life. What a world that would be!

The Places You End Up

2011-05-16T16:26:00.004-04:00

When the path to your goal is narrow
and the way is easy to lose,
may all the places you end up
be just as interesting.

~ Steve Garnaas-Holmes

I subscribe to Rev. Steve Garnaas-Holmes blog "Unfolding Light" and am often moved by the reflections he shares. The above is part of today's reflection. I love the second part of the sentence; "may all the places you end up be just as interesting."

I feel like I am on the path of a goal, or at least the path of a dream. The way does feel winding and narrow, and I have ended up in some unexpected places contemplating some unexpected things. While I could not foresee that I would end up in the places I have as yet, they have been interesting and my perspective has been broadened. Perhaps this is another way of saying that the journey is often more important than the destination.

And sometimes the places you end up are even more interesting than the places you intended to go.

Nicky's Stone

2011-05-02T16:26:00.003-04:00

Last fall we said good-bye to our beloved Border Collie, Nicky. Since then we've all missed Nicky a lot. While we wouldn't wish him back in the condition he was in, we remember those joyful times when he was a younger pup who enjoyed walks, playing and treats!

After Nicky died we brought his ashes to Empire Grove where we sprinkled them on the ball-field where he enjoyed running around. Nicky had lots of good times at Empire Grove. My favorite remembrance of Nicky at the campground is of him running beside my Dad as Dad drove along on the golf cart. The first time I remember realizing Nicky was getting old was when he could no longer keep up with the golf cart as Dad sped around the circle.

With Nicky's ashes at Empire Grove (where my Dad's ashes are as well), we decided we wanted to have a remembrance of Nicky we could keep at home. We placed this stone (Vermont granite) in our garden last weekend. (The garden looks a little sparse now, but will soon be in blossom!) It is a good size stone, but small enough for us to take with us when we move so "Nicky" can always be part of our garden! It is placed near an iris which was Nicky's 'flower.' Every year we took his picture next to the yellow iris at our parsonage in Connecticut. Nicky will feel right at home here.

The Age Question

2011-04-25T15:39:00.002-04:00

Yesterday we had a lovely Easter dinner with two families from the church. The food was great and it was nice to be together in an informal setting to relax and celebrate the Resurrection.

After dinner the conversation turned to age and one of the folks at the table, whom I know relatively well, guessed my age as late twenties. While it is certainly flattering, it is a little bit frustrating to constantly be thought to be younger than I am. (As you blog readers know from my birthday post, I am a proud 36!) I think I have grown and matured and changed with age ~ both as a person and as a pastor. I am proud of my nearly eleven years of service in Christian ministry. While there are benefits to being thought of as younger, it sometimes seems my appearance overshadows my experience.

Lately I've been reflecting on my work style and am noticing some changes. When I was new to pastoral ministry (at 25) planning ahead was not one of my gifts. I rarely looked more than a Sunday ahead. Bible Studies were prepared on the fly hours (or even minutes) before they were to start. Over the years I've become a much better planner. While at my last appointment I made worship plans months ahead. Confirmation classes were planned at least a week in advance. Bible Studies were developed with plenty of time to spare. However, I was still very much a Saturday sermon-writer.

These days I've been working hard at finishing my sermon on Thursdays. And I find I really like not having that stressful Saturday night. For a long time my excuse was that I needed the adrenaline to make it happen, but I am finding that not to be the case. This past Holy Week the changes in my work style really became evident.

I actually started working on my Holy Week services back in February. The Maundy Thursday and Easter Sunrise services and sermons were done before Holy Week. I finished my Easter Sunday Service on Thursday. I even had some time on Thursday to work ahead on our Holy Humor Sunday in June. With all this work done ahead of time I was able to enjoy the Maundy Thursday Service, to relax a bit and reflect on Good Friday and to participate fully in the Easter Egg hunt. That's not to say that it was not a busy week. It totally was! But I was able to be 'present' in it much more without the stress.

I think these changes are partly do to age, maturity and learning from mistakes. There will always be those stressful weeks when things get pushed to the last minute, but, at 36, I feel I have found the rhythm that works best for me. And that is just one of the reasons I love 36. (I wonder what 46 will bring?)

Fabulous Day

2011-04-18T16:09:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Palm Sunday and our pre-service preparations were a bit hectic. The big thing was the Palm Parade! Our Church School youth and children planned a parade complete with chanting and waving of palms. There was also a reading and music involved. In addition to the Palm Parade, preparations were being made for our after worship lasagna lunch.

After running (in heels) up and down the hallway a few times to ask questions and make sure were were all on the same page for the parade, I limped exhausted into the Sanctuary where I ran into Joe. Joe also was wearing many hats yesterday ~ liturgist, power-point coordinator, fudge-maker for lunch, etc. I said to Joe, "This is a busy day!" To that he replied, "It is a fabulous day!"

That was just what I needed before worship. Instead of going into worship exhausted, Joe's comment allowed me to enter the worship moment filled with anticipation. It was a fabulous day and we were all there ~ with our many hats ~ to share it. Fabulous!

Mondays at Barnes and Noble

2011-04-11T16:11:00.002-04:00

Part of my ministry at Faith UMC is hanging out at the Barnes and Noble Cafe on Monday afternoons. I hold my "Open Hours" from 3:30-5:30pm. This started as an opportunity for church folks (and others) to chat with me in an informal setting. I got the idea from blog-friend Elizabeth Quick who held similar open hours at a Panera near her church. Most weeks I drink hot chocolate, get a snack and do some work on my computer. And most weeks I get at least one visitor.

Over these months I've found that folks stop by to visit me at the Cafe who would never stop in to talk to me at the office. The conversations are often very deep and meaningful. It is, somehow, easier for folks to talk with me over a cup of coffee, over the din of other coffee drinkers, rather than in the quiet of my office. And on the weeks that I have no visitors I am able to catch up with my reading, e-mails, blogging, or whatever I'm falling behind with at the moment!

One of the side benefits of this practice is that it gets me out of my office and into the community. It is surprising how many other people I regularly see at the Cafe on Monday afternoons. I've developed a passing friendship with two older gentlemen who meet for coffee every week. Others are in regularly offering tutoring services, catching up on reading and meeting friends. I feel like I am part of a fellowship of coffee drinkers (or hot chocolate drinkers) and readers who form a small community.

Sometimes I get questions from parishioners asking, "Are you still doing the Barnes and Noble thing?" My response, "I wouldn't give it up for the world!"

Dreaming of the Field

2011-04-04T16:55:00.003-04:00

Well, the weather might not be cooperating with Bady and my goal of going for our BH Title on April 30th. We train as much as we can inside and around our house and the church, but there is nothing quite like getting out on the field. There are several exercises we have to practice that require field time. I did a field check with our trainer today and learned that it is still pretty snow covered. The areas not covered with snow are soggy and wet. We need several more days of sunny, warm weather (along with no precipitation) before we can get out on the field.

Such is life in Vermont, but that's okay. There are a number of Trials coming up in the Spring that we might be able to attend. Trials we be scheduled for the fall as well. In the meantime, we enjoy our training and I continue to study my rule book!

At four years old, Bady will probably be the oldest GSD going for his BH. I came late to Schutzhund as well, so we make a good team. Hopefully there is grace in Schutzhund, just like there is grace is the life of faith. We do the best we can under the circumstances we have before us, we acknowledge where we need to work harder, and we accept every new day ~ with its opportunities and challenges ~ as a gift!

More Migraine Meditations

2011-03-28T16:52:00.003-04:00

Last week I had a couple more migraines. I went around for a couple of days feeling pretty angry about it. And also feeling on edge because I didn't know when another one was coming. Would I have one during worship? During an important meeting? As I shared a couple weeks ago, there is really no predicting them because there are no definitive triggers. There is no controlling them.

After getting tired of being angry a question came to mind: Can I , somehow, give thanks for my migraines? One of my spiritual practices is to look for the blessing in every situation ~ even the really crappy ones. Maybe I could find a blessing in my migraines.

While I'm not sure if stress always brings them on, perhaps my migraines can help me take notice when my life is out of balance. Perhaps they are an opportunity for me to slow down and reflect on which area in my life might need attention. Am I sleeping enough? Getting enough exercise? Eating well? Am I having enough fun?

Each morning, as part of my devotions, I pray Wesley's Covenant Prayer. One line of the prayer affirms, "I am no longer my own, but Thine." If I am God's, then my migraines belong to God as well. And if my migraines belong to God, then what use is there in trying to control them myself? There is nothing I can do to prevent myself from having a migraine on a Sunday morning ~ or anytime ~ so what is the sense in worrying about it?

So this is my commitment: I release myself from worrying about my migraines and I give them to God. And I will use the energy I spend worrying about my migraines to taking care of myself so I can do God's work in the world. Because no matter how much I want to control things, the truth is that I am no longer my own.... in fact, I never was.

Late Thirties

2011-03-21T17:06:00.002-04:00

It is official. I am now in my late-thirties. Well, I could probably argue to hold on to 'mid-thirties' for another year, but considering how long I held on to 'early-thirties' I should probably just accept it. I am well on my way to 40!

As a child, 'thirties' seemed so old! I thought my parents were hopelessly ancient when they were in their mid-thirties. Being around them seemed almost embarrassing. Yet I still feel young and.... well, probably not hip, but at least not totally out of it. But the truth is that I am out of it. I am not hip. I am not cool. Ben probably feels embarrassed when forced to be seen with me! But I am happy.

Last week I was visiting my Mom for my birthday. She still feels young, and I do too. My Gram still felt young when she was in her eighties. What a gift!

So, I am happy to be 36 this year. Happy Birthday to me! And 40.... here I come! (But first lets hit 37, 38, and 39!)

Migraines

2011-02-14T16:40:00.004-05:00

Unfortunately I am one of the many sufferers of migraines. Mine are the ocular kind and it is a family thing. My mom, aunt, cousins and second cousin (all females) have them. Sometimes I can go months ~ even a year ~ without having one, but last week I had two. Last week wasn't a happy week. A variety of things can bring them on: changes in the barometric pressure, stress, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, dehydration. Besides the barometric pressure (over which I have no control) I try to monitor these potential triggers so to avoid migraine episodes. But sometimes they just happen.

Maybe the barometric pressure was doing weird things last week. Maybe I was stressed because last Monday would have been my Dad's 61st birthday. Maybe I was dehydrated from all the shoveling I had to do. Maybe it was a combination of these things.

The thing that frustrates me the most is the unpredictable nature of my migraines. I can be going along, feeling just fine, when suddenly my vision shifts and things I know are right in front of me disappear. Last week my second migraine came on while driving. I remember thinking, "I know there is a red light there.... I just can't see it!" It's a little disconcerting. The ocular part concludes with a mean little jagged line in the middle of my vision and flashing strobe like lights in my periphery. About ten minutes after the visual 'show' the pain begins. Sometimes the medicine mitigates it enough to be bearable. Other times not. Last week I was tucked away in my bedroom most of the day, room darkening shades drawn.

That is the story of my migraines. My migraine specialist told me that they often go away after menopause. That could be a reason to look forward to menopause, but I'm not holding my breath. My mother and my aunt still suffer from them. I imagine I will as well.

So I am trying to make peace with my migraines. I am trying to let go of the rage I feel when that mean little jagged line appears in my vision announcing the pain ~ and the change of plans ~ that will follow. Maybe I can see my migraines as a reminder to take care of myself. Maybe I can view them as an opportunity to free myself from schedules and obligations and deadlines. Maybe I can embrace my migraines. I don't think so .... but maybe :)

Goals

2011-02-07T15:58:00.002-05:00

This is the year that Bady and I are going to attempt our preliminary Schutzhund title, the BH. (BH stands for some German words that I don't understand!) The BH tests for temperament and basic obedience. You need to pass the BH before you can move on to Schutzhund 1. The Schutzhund 1 title tests for tracking, obedience and protection. From Schutzhund 1 you can go on to Schutzhund 2,3 and beyond!

Our original goal was to try for our BH last year, but a variety of factors got in the way. The dates of the trials didn't fit my schedule and I was traveling frequently to visit my Dad. The truth is that we probably weren't ready anyway. Honestly, I don't know if we are ready now, but at least we have a date: April 30th. Having a date gives us a goal to work toward!

Having a goal also gives me a reason to stay motivated. Bady is excited about training all the time, but it is hard for me to get excited about training when there are 3 feet of snow on the ground. But the only way we are going to succeed is to practice a little every day! And if we can't practice outside, at least we can practice in the basement and at church.

Studying, however, is something I can do snow or no snow. Did I mention there is a written exam? Obviously the written portion is my responsibility, but Bady does his part to support me as I study. He's happy to lay at my feet in front of the fire while the snow is accumulating outside!

Wherever I Am

2011-01-31T16:07:00.004-05:00

Those whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now wherever we are. – St. John Chrysostom

Since my Dad died I have experienced a variety of emotions. Certainly there has been grief, sadness and loss. There has also been a measure of peace. While Dad loved life to the very end, his last few weeks were not easy. Living far away, I jumped every time the phone rang. While I didn't necessarily recognize it at the time, much of my emotional energy went into worrying. I worried that he would catch a virus or sustain an injury. I worried that he wouldn't be able to stay home like he wished. Much of his situation was out my ~ or anyone's ~ control.

There is peace in knowing that he is no longer suffering. There is also peace in knowing, as St. John Chrysoston affirms, he is now wherever I am. I laughed the other day when something funny happened that I know he would appreciate. I felt him laughing with me. I see his face when I close my eyes to go to sleep at night. Often when I see him in this way he is smiling. This tells me that wherever he is, whatever he is experiencing, there is joy.

I would trade all of this in a minute to have him back ~ healthy and robust. Yet, I know this is not possible. So I give thanks. Even though he is no longer where he was before, he is now wherever I am.

I Guess It's Time

2011-01-24T15:56:00.005-05:00

I'd been putting it off, but I guess it is time to get back to blogging. Getting back to blogging requires me to acknowledge what has happened since I last blogged. My loving, handsome, courageous Dad died after living bravely with ALS since December 2009. Here is the last picture we had taken together:

And here is the obituary that makes it all so final:

Howard Warren Gary

Date of Death: December 18, 2010

Date of Birth: February 7, 1950

Biography:

Howard Warren Gary, 60, of East Poland, died on Saturday, December 18^th at his home surrounded by loving family and friends.

He was born on February 7, 1950, the son of Wilfred and Dorothy (Thurston) Gary. He graduated from Edward Little 1968 and after high school he joined the Armed Forces where he received an honorable discharge Air National Guard 1974. He was a lineman for Verizon (previously New England Telephone and Nynex) from 1970 – 1996 and then he worked for Dead River Oil Company.

He dedicated his life to Empire Grove Campmeeting Association as manager and groundskeeper for more than 25 years. His multi-talents were inspiring to all who knew him and showed his vibrancy of living. He offered his stability, reverence, spirituality, and creativity with his own sense of humor. He was also part of the Recreation Dept., and involved with Big Brothers Big Sisters of Androscoggin County.

Howard could build anything and everything. He enjoyed spending time with his children and grandchildren and with his wife, with whom he built a house. He also enjoyed playing cribbage, hiking & camping, fishing with his friends, and Ice Hockey games

He was predeceased by his parents; Wilfred and Dorothy (Thurston) Gary, and his brother Richard Gary.

He is survived by his wife Deborah (Estes) Gary, daughter Krista (Gary) Atwood, three step daughters; Katie (McAllister) Libby, Kristina (McAllister) Wilson, Kayla Nowell, three sons-in-law; Gary Atwood, Corey Libby, and Eric Wilson, brother Arthur Gary, two grandsons; Benjamin Atwood, Cooper Libby, and many cousins, nieces, nephews and friends

A Memorial Service will be scheduled for the early summer.

Donations in Howard’s honor may be made to Empire Grove United Methodist Campmeeting Association PO Box 35, East Poland, ME 04230, or to The ALS Association Northern New England Chapter, The Concord Center 10 Ferry Street, Suite 438 Concord, NH 03301

Love you Dad.... Can't believe you're gone.

Beautiful Saturday

2010-11-15T15:57:00.003-05:00

Bady and I trained on Saturday and it was a beautiful day! You don't expect 60 degree temperatures in mid-November! Luckily I was getting over my cold, so I was able to bring him out on the field and show off all the hard work we had done at home.

He is heeling straighter, outing better and does a great, fast, straight recall. We need to start working on our sits and downs in motion and about-turns. He does them for me at home, but it is more challenging on the field with other dogs and people around. Our goal is to complete our BH in the spring and see where we are for Schutzhund 1 next fall. We shall see! Right now I am concentrating on one step at a time. I continue to be thankful for a Training Club that is patient with a 'newbie' like me!

When I reflect upon the confidence and peace I have found since working with Bady, I know there are other women who could benefit from similar canine-partnerships. After I was assaulted, just having Bady in my life allowed me to reclaim a safe space. Bady was a gift from God. The training we have done has challenged me and helped me see myself as a strong person again. I hope I can someday help other women struggling with PTSD reclaim that same sense of peace and safety.

Sticking to a Schedule

2010-11-01T16:05:00.004-04:00

I am pretty schedule-oriented. I like sticking to a routine. (You may notice that I generally blog on Mondays.) In my perfect world everything would fit easily into my schedule and nothing would disrupt it! Yet, this is not a perfect world. And church work is certainly not conducive to a rigid schedule. One call for a pastoral emergency or funeral can throw the schedule off for the rest of the week. I've learned to hold my schedule lightly. I celebrate when things fall into place, but I also recognize the importance of the interruptions and live into them as best I can.

In dog training, keeping a schedule is also a tricky thing. It is important to keep a training schedule to ensure that the work is getting done. Three or four short training and exercise sessions are best each day, rather than one long one. However, if you stick too strictly to the same schedule the dog can get bored. He begins to anticipate what happens when and loses his sharpness. Even within the training sessions, it is important to mix things up. If you usually take the ball out of your left pocket, take it out of your right pocket occasionally. Practice heeling before practicing recall, and then switch it up. If you never vary from the routine, the dog will end up 'phoning it in.' The point of training is to keep the dog engaged, not to put him to sleep!

In some ways the same lessons hold true for life. Schedules and routines help us accomplish what needs to be done. Yet, if we stick too closely to our routines, we lose the spontaneity that can keep life interesting.

Hard Work

2010-10-25T15:35:00.003-04:00

Bady and I continue to work hard at our training. Our training club is fabulous and very patient with me as the 'newbie.' I can't speak for Bady, but I know I look forward to our time on the field every week. I suspect he feels the same way.

Lately I've been doing some reading about PTSD and Animal Assisted Therapy. It is a well known fact that animals reduce blood pressure and increase health in people that have them. Animals also create a sense of camaraderie with their human owners. The animal depends on you. If you have an animal, you have to get out of bed to feed and exercise them.

The main reason I got Bady was to increase my sense of safety. I know, without a doubt, that Bady has my back. Because of him I have been able to do things I never thought possible. I can stay alone at my house at night. I can work in the church office after everyone else has left. I can answer the door without knowing who is on the other side. These are things I never thought I would do after the attack.

I can (and do) credit Bady with these changes in my life. However, the changes are not just because of Bady. With or without Bady, I generally feel more safe in the world. Having Bady has allowed me to heal on the inside in ways I never could have imagined. I feel more confident in myself, more willing to try new things and more hopeful about the future.

One caution therapists have for those involved in Animal Assisted Therapy is that the survivors not attribute their progress solely to their dog. The dog is one part of the process, but the primary work still lies with the survivor. In some cases, the dog allows the survivor to do the hard work she must do to heal. That has been the case with me and Bady.... Thanks be to God!

Redesign

2010-10-18T16:47:00.002-04:00

Lately the blog has been feeling a little stale. It started ~ way back when ~ as an opportunity for me to reflect on family life and ministry. The ministry part of this blog has largely moved over to the Faith UMC Pastor's Blog. Facebook has taken over much of the family pictures and activities I used to share here. The past few months I've shared random musings about once a week. I've still found it to be a useful space. However, the name of the blog (Adventures of Min Lib) no longer resonates. So today we have a new design and a new name!

Wendell Berry's poem "There is a Day" speaks to me in two ways. First, it speaks to my faith that there is something beyond what we can see and understand in this world. Second, it speaks to my hope that there will be a day of peace and joy for all of us, no matter our personal situations.

My passion these days ~ along with my ministry and family life ~ is finding opportunities to educate people about PTSD and tell my story. My journey of recovery from trauma has been a long one. Most recently, it has involved my dog Bady and the work we have done in the sport of Schutzhund and Personal Protection training. Working with Bady provides me with a sense of security that had long been missing in my life. It also provides me opportunities to build my own self-confidence, In many ways I feel as if I've come into a new day. Maybe, by sharing my story, another person can experience that joy. Perhaps this blog can be an avenue for that.

There is a day

2010-10-16T10:45:00.001-04:00

There is a day
when the road neither
comes nor goes, and the way
is not a way, but a place.

~ Wendell Berry, A Timbered Choir

Good Bye Nicky... You will Always be in Our Hearts

2010-10-11T17:05:00.006-04:00

Clicking

2010-09-27T17:21:00.003-04:00

Last week everything just clicked. I worked efficiently. I managed my time well. I went to the gym. I got all my errands done. I even worked out using the Wii Fit, trained with Bady on a daily basis and read two books.

This week is not clicking at all, and it is only Monday! It didn't help that I woke up with a sore throat yesterday. It's back today and I very much hope it doesn't progress into a full blown cold. I don't want the aggravation and I don't want it to interfere with my visit with Dad at the end of the week.

In addition to (or maybe because of) the cold, little things just seem to be going wrong. I set out to do three errands before my Barnes & Noble "Open Hours" and only got one done. I was also 15 minutes late and arrived to find an older parishioner waiting for me. Thankfully she was forgiving! Now I have to try to fit the other two errands into an already full schedule for the rest of the week.

None of this is earth shattering or life threatening, so I have no real reason to complain. It is just interesting how one week can go so well and the next so not! Life sure feels good when everything is clicking. Yet I try to remain grateful. God is with us in the clicks and in the not!

Wedding Bells

2010-09-20T16:26:00.003-04:00

Last weekend I officiated at my step-sister, Krissy's, wedding. Krissy and Eric have been together for three years and make a fantastic couple. Eric is a wonderful guy and I am so happy for them both. I pray that God blesses their journey.

However, I was surprised by how nerve wracking it is to be the wedding officiant for family. I figure I have celebrated about 20 weddings in my career. The vast majority of those, however, were for couples I did not know before and have not seen since. It is not that I didn't care about those, but I guess my care was on a different level. I wanted this ceremony to be flawless since I wanted only the best for Krissy and Eric on their special day. It was an emotional experience.

Emotional and exhausting! Usually my wedding responsibilities involve the rehearsal and the ceremony. After that, I can go home and put my feet up. This time, though, there was the rehearsal dinner, spa time before the wedding, pictures, and the reception following the service. Gary was also responsible for transporting my Dad, including loading and unloading him on the wheelchair lift into and out of the van. It was a challenge just keeping track of where we needed to be minute to minute! I'm glad I wasn't the bride :>)

And I certainly would not have done it any other way. The day was full of blessings, big and small. And it was a joy to be the first one to say, "Now I introduce to you Mr. & Mrs. Eric and Kristina Wilson!"

Busy Busy!

2010-09-13T15:49:00.000-04:00

I honestly can't remember the last time I was this busy. It seems like every weekend from August to November includes a major event, trip or activity. We've been visiting people. People have been visiting us. We have a wedding coming up and a Schutzhund Trial. Both Gary and I have weekend business trips ~ Gary to Houston and me to Massachusetts. The Walk to Defeat ALS actually falls on a relatively quiet weekend. As an introvert home-body type, I am surprised I am not more stressed about everything going on. My goal is to just take one day at a time and do what I can do for that day. What is it Jesus says about worry? "Do not worry about your life..." Easier said than done. But I think it is more possible when I am focusing on the present rather than worrying or fretting about what did or what might happen.

Things I Love about Fall

2010-08-30T16:49:00.002-04:00

Everything except the temperature (90+ degrees!) is pointing to the fall. The UVM students have moved back in and started classes. The sun sets earlier. The public schools start this week. Even some leaves have started to turn.

I love the fall. I love wearing a light jacket and feeling the crisp air on my face. I love the beauty of the foliage in New England. I love the sense of starting fresh that returns every fall, despite the fact that is has been 10 years since I've been in school. Every fall I feel like I should be buying new pens and pencils and notebooks!

One things I am particularly looking forward to this fall is going lunar kayaking with Gary through our town Rec Department. I hope we will also be able to take a couple days to ramble around Vermont, hike and check out the scenery. Every season has it's blessings. Right now I am particularly thankful to God for fall!

Gardening Adventure

2010-08-23T16:17:00.003-04:00

To bring you up to date on our gardening adventure, we have harvested a total of:

3 cucumbers
4 string beans
Several grape tomatoes
2 regular tomatoes
A whole bunch of basil
A bit of oregano
Enough Lettuce to make two salads
(A small stalk of broccoli is still growing)

There are a few tomatoes still on the vine and ripening but, other than that, our garden adventure is pretty much over. We shared our most recently harvested cucumber and grape tomatoes with Dad and Debbie during their visit last weekend. We took two cups of the basil and made pesto! The rest of the basil and the oregano ended up in the freezer to be used to season future meals.

Our gardening adventure was certainly fun. I wouldn't say that we have green thumbs, but we are getting there. Now that we've gotten our hands dirty and some experience under our fingernails, I plan to study gardening techniques over the winter so we can have even more fun next year!

Interruptions

2010-08-16T15:53:00.002-04:00

Today my morning devotions were interrupted by Gary and Ben coming downstairs for breakfast. This afternoon my Barnes & Noble Open Hours were interrupted by a visit from said husband and son. Both of these things are unusual occurrences for a Monday! Mondays are usually lonely days and the start of my solo workweek. Gary leaves early for work and doesn't return until Thursday evening.

Interruptions are often considered annoyances, but today they were more than welcome. It was a joy to share a few minutes at breakfast with those I love the most. Next Monday morning I will likely be able to finish my devotions uninterrupted. Gary will be on his way to Massachusetts for the week and Ben will be back in Michigan. I suppose it's true that life is lived in the interruptions,

Luminaries

2010-08-09T16:10:00.003-04:00

This year was the third anniversary of the luminary display ~ a 'new' tradition at Empire Grove. The luminaries are purchased by individuals and the money goes to a worthy cause. This year's cause was ALS. I don't know how many luminaries circled the Grove, but over $800 was raised for the ALS Foundation. It was a very impressive display. At dusk the street lights were turned off and we walked around the circle by the light of the luminaries. Dad lead the way in his wheelchair. It was a beautiful display for a very good cause.

Anniversaries

2010-07-12T16:15:00.002-04:00

The past couple of weeks have been filled with anniversaries.

July 1st was my 10th anniversary of appointed ministry. It was July 1, 2000 that I arrived (young and naive) at my first appointment as pastor of Holbrook United Methodist Church. It's hard to believe that I've been a pastor for 10 years! The anniversary actually slipped by without notice until my mother realized and pointed it out. She and Larry also sent me a gorgeous pair of earrings to celebrate. Thanks :>)

July 1st was also the first anniversary of my appointment to Faith United Methodist Church. It has been a wonderful year and I look forward to many more anniversaries with these wonderful folks.

July 9th marked Gary's parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary. We surprised them by showing up to meet them for dinner in Augusta, ME. They thought they were going with Gary's sister and brother (and families) and were surprised when they saw us sitting there when they walked in. During dinner Gary's mom brought out an expense book from their Honeymoon 50 years ago. It was fun to see that hotel rooms cost $5.00 and breakfast was $1.60! After dinner we went back to their house and visited. It was a wonderful celebration of a great life together that produced three terrific children and four fantastic grandchildren!

July 9th also was my Dad and Debbie's 5th wedding anniversary. I know it was a special day for them, especially under the circumstances of my Dad's illness.

I believe the anniversaries are over for a while. Now we are embarking on Birthday season! My Mom's birthday is tomorrow! (Happy Birthday Mom!) Ben's birthday will be celebrated this weekend when he arrives. Then we have Aunt Diana and Larry's birthdays. So many reasons to celebrate!

Harvest Time

2010-06-28T15:47:00.003-04:00

Can you spot the humongous cucumber in this picture?? That was the fruit of our very first harvest and it was delicious, if I do say so myself. We enjoyed a home-grown lettuce and cucumber salad along with grass-fed beef burgers and asparagus from the Farmer's Market. We felt almost like locavores! Now we just continue to wait patiently to see how our beans, peppers, squash, zucchini and tomatoes do.......

More Monday Musings

2010-06-21T15:45:00.002-04:00

1. Annual Conference has come and gone. It was good to be together with my friends from New England. It was also good to be part of the Vermont contingent as they were welcomed into the new New England Conference. I had a unique view from both perspectives ~ Vermonters and New Englanders. It will be interesting to see how Vermonters and New Englanders shape and influence each other in the years to come to create a truly 'new' thing.

2. We've produced our first harvest-able vegetable! While watering the 'babies' last night Gary noticed a nice big, healthy cucumber hanging on the vine. I'm so proud I almost don't want to pick it! I've decided to take a picture before enjoying it on my salad.

3. Bady and I continue to train with our club and on our own. It is really amazing how much we have learned. He is the fast learner on our team, but I'm holding my own. I can't beleive how far we've come. If we've done this well in just a few months, Schutzhund USA better watch out! Seriously, it would be fun to participate in a trial at some point ~ and we probably will ~ but the true benefit is how we've grown together as a team and the fruit that can be seen from it in our daily life.

Four on the Fourteenth

2010-06-14T16:26:00.004-04:00

Here are four random reflections on this Monday afternoon:

1. Yesterday we hosted an Open House at our parsonage for church friends and neighbors. I'm not a 'natural' hostess, but with much planning (and a little stressing out) it turned out to be great fun! We had lots of people, plenty of food and a great, sunny day. The boys were even good. They kept quiet down in the basement while we 'partied' upstairs.

2. I went on my first bike ride on my new bike! I found that biking uses muscles that I apparently hadn't used in quite a while. Phew!

3. Last weekend I visited my Dad. He is doing well, although my definition of 'well' keeps changing. I am so proud of him. He continues to find ways to do the things he enjoys and he's quite adept at using his new electric wheelchair. And perhaps we all have a better sense of what is truly important. Life now involves several assistive devices and lots of rest, but he continues to show determination. I'm glad for the summer weather that seems to have lifted his spirits. Even so, ALS sucks.

4. Annual Conference is this week. I am ready to make my yearly pilgrimage to Wenham, MA for the gathering of New England United Methodist clergy and laity. It will be great to see old friends and, hopefully, make some new ones. Vermont will officially be joining the New England Conference, so we are a changing, transforming Conference!

Garden Party

2010-06-07T15:44:00.007-04:00

The whole family got involved in planting our very first vegetable garden. We planted tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, zucchini, broccoli, beans, lettuce, peppers and a few herbs. Since we don't have a real good place for a bed, we planted in containers.

This is something I have always wanted to do, but never felt like I had the time or the skill. This year I decided to make the time and concluded that I would never have the skill if I didn't try. I figure this is one way I can honor God's creation by participating in the cycle of life and growth. Instead of taking from the environment I can, in some small way, give back. I can't wait until harvest time!

How to Sunburn your Feet

2010-05-17T16:21:00.008-04:00

Do you want to know how to get a really good sunburn on your feet? First, bring your "New England" feet (that haven't seen the sun in six months) to the beach in Florida. Next, rent a beach umbrella. Then, forget to apply sunscreen to the tops of your feet and toes. Finally, fail to adjust your beach chair when the sun begins to creep into your shade!

The tops of my feet got pretty scorched. (The above picture is pre-sunburn.) But that's okay. They only really hurt when I had to wear shoes and, since we were on a beach vacation, that wasn't too often! Even with my burnt feet, we had a great time. We had a much needed tropical paradise get-away. And the sun even followed us back to Vermont. However, my feet remain safely protected in shoes and socks!

Staying Focused

2010-04-26T19:55:00.004-04:00

One of the things Bady and I are working on now is focused heeling. He has the heeling down pretty well, but sometimes he gets distracted by things in the environment (cars, other dogs, people, blowing leaves). When this happens we get out of sync and next thing we know I'm turning right and he is getting a leash correction. This will be a problem when we start working off leash!!

The connection between dog and handler is essential in Schutzhund. The only way you can have complete control is to have an unbreakable connection with your dog. It seems to me there is a lesson to learn here in our relationship with God as well. How connected am I to the guidance of God's Spirit? What distracts me? Am I ready to go off leash :>)

So now we are practicing staying focused. He is actually doing pretty well. See the ways he's looking at me as we're walking along? What a good boy!

Christ is Risen Indeed!

2010-04-11T16:22:00.003-04:00

The warmest Sunrise I've ever attended! Faith UMC April 4, 2010 6:15am overlooking Mt. Mansfield. Christ is Risen! Christ is Risen Indeed!

New Adventures

2010-03-29T16:21:00.006-04:00

Gary and I don't watch many sitcoms, but we do like "New Adventures of Old Christine." I fell in love with Julia Louis Dreyfus during her days on "Seinfeld." Christine is no Elaine, but she certainly is funny and Julia is a great physical actress. It is a good escape from real life and it is fun to tune in to see what new adventures she will encounter this week.

When I started this blog back in 2006 I wasn't quite sure where it would go. I have to say that I am pleased to have kept up with it for almost four years! There have been times when it has been more active and times when it has been less active. But I don't think it has ever been inactive. I've enjoyed recording the varied adventures of Gary and I ~ a minister and a librarian making a life together along with our two dogs and cat.

This blog has been pretty much a 'catch-all.' At different times I've reflected on ministry, family life, friendship, books, pet ownership, step-parenthood, Schutzhund training, and living with PTSD. I've shared the joy of welcoming Bady into my life as my Support Dog and the bumps we've had along the way in developing our working partnership. I've shared pieces of my journey with God as a follower of Christ. And I am proud to be able to say that I think I have been pretty honest here.

I suppose today's reflection comes about because recently I've been thinking about changing this blog or even ending it and starting something new. But I don't think I will. I like that this blog reflects my various interests and activities as well as my struggles and my joys. I also like that it is a testimony to how I have grown and changed over the years. I don't think that my readership has grown all that much since the beginning, but that is fine with me. In fact I've written this blog mostly for myself. If there are others who find joy in reading it, that is an additional blessing.

The truth is, this blog is not perfect and neither am I! Perhaps that's what I like best about it. So let the adventures continue! I'll do my best to share them here :>)

And Speaking of Birthdays.....

2010-03-23T17:34:00.002-04:00

Look who showed up to help me celebrate!!

35 and Loving It

2010-03-22T16:27:00.002-04:00

Last Monday I turned 35. Considering all the angst that accompanied turning 30, I eased in to 35 with barely a thought. In fact, 35 feels good. I feel hopeful and excited about the future. Life, in fact, seems full of possibilities...... possibilities that have been missing from my life for quite a while.

My counselor explained to me that people with PTSD are often unable to look to the future with any real hope. For the past several years the future was there for me, but not something I could look forward to in any real sense.... It is difficult to explain. It seemed like the years stretching ahead of me simply needed to be survived. Life had already been decided for me and all I could do was live it.

Now, though, I am able to dream and vision and make plans. There is so much life ahead of me and I can't wait to embrace it. Who knows where I will end up or what I might do with the rest of my life. I feel alive and blessed with opportunities innumerable. My counselor celebrates the breakthrough this points to for me. The prison of PTSD is falling down around me and I feel free. And I am 35. And I love it.

Vermont Spring

2010-03-08T15:43:00.003-05:00

No, that is not an oxymoron! Spring seems to have come, at least temporarily, to Vermont. The sun is out, the snow is melting and the birds have even started singing. I'm beginning to think about yard work and the container garden I want to plant this year. I'm also thinking more about training with Bady. Pretty soon we'll be getting back outside to the yard and the field instead of in the garage or basement!

Spring also means that it's been almost a year since our first foray into Vermont. Gary and I (and Bady) traveled to Vermont last March for our snow shoeing vacation. That was followed by our interview / introduction weekend in April. Vermont ~ a place I had previously thought very little about ~ has been very much on my mind for a whole year. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and now Spring again..... Thank God for Spring!

The Cone of Shame

2010-02-20T13:30:00.002-05:00

Yes, that's duct tape you see on his cone. He's already broken it in three places ~ in less than 24 hours. As you can probably tell, he came through the surgery just fine!

Surgery

2010-02-18T16:01:00.003-05:00

Perhaps Bady looks forlorn because he knows that he is having surgery tomorrow! Actually, Bady doesn't seem to realize that anything is happening. I, on the other hand, feel a bit nervous about the upcoming operation! It's not so much the surgery I'm worried about (it's a routine neutering), but the recovery. How do we get a sore GSD outside to go to the bathroom? And, after he is feeling better, how do we keep our crazy boy quiet for 7 to 10 days?

Pray for Bady... and for us!

Celebrations

2010-02-01T16:49:00.002-05:00

This weekend my Dad turns 60 years old. That makes me almost 35, since Dad was 25 when I was born. It is hard to believe we are so old! Time certainly flies. Yet, as I posted earlier, my Dad's seventh decade is marked by a diagnosis of ALS. This 60th birthday celebration carries with it a note of sadness. When celebrating 60 years one marks a milestone, but also ~ usually ~ looks ahead to carefree years of retirement and the pursuit of unrealized dreams. My Dad was never one to fully 'retire', but he certainly should be looking forward years of working around the campground, building things in his barn, and growing his penny collection. Instead we are looking into motorized wheelchairs, handicapped shower stalls and breathing machines.

I look forward, though, to this weekend of celebration. It will be a celebration since we will be together. A celebration of love, life and what it means to be father and daughter. While I never would have asked for this diagnosis, I do give thanks for the perspective it brings. Something so shocking tends to take one off auto-pilot for a while in order to be truly present. 60 years is amazing!

Nothing in Life is Free

2010-01-25T16:52:00.003-05:00

Another principle of dog training is that nothing in life is free. In order to play, to get a treat, to get a pat, or to eat the dog must do something positive. In essence, the playing, the treat, the pat and the food are the reward. The dog should never be given anything 'enjoyable' without doing something to earn it.

The theologian in me has trouble with this principle. It is fundamental to my belief system that God's grace and love are free gifts that I cannot ~ in any way ~ earn. I understand the reasoning behind this principle. If the dog gets his food, his pleasure, his love without having to earn it he will lose his motivation to be good and to do good for his master.

Yet, I wonder, without a sense of unconditional love, doesn't life become a simple transaction? I think dogs are more complicated than that. My love for Bady goes beyond whether he can down, sit and shake before he gets his food and I'm pretty sure he knows that. But I go through the motions any way to keep Bady sharp and focused.. I admit, though, that he does occasionally get a pat on the head or a 'scritch' between the ears.... just because.

Principles of Dog Training

2010-01-18T13:35:00.002-05:00

In the course of our training, I've picked up a few helpful hints to guide Bady and I along the way. They seem like common sense, for the most part, but it is important to be reminded. It is easy to forget when caught up in the heat of the moment!

~ Don't get frustrated.
~ Be consistent.
~ Don't reward bad behavior.
~ In the face of bad behavior, say no in a consistent, firm tone.
~ The higher the distraction, the less learning takes place
~ Live in the moment.

I wonder if these principles could be applied to other areas of life?? Church life, maybe? :>)

Hibernating

2010-01-07T07:53:00.003-05:00

Like much of the rest of the country, we've been hit by winter in a big way! Last weekend's storm dropped nearly 3 feet of the white stuff on us. The funny thing was that the heaviest snow was localized over our town (or perhaps our house!). Parishioners of ours in outlying towns only got 5-15 inches!

I have been getting out to church and shop and meetings... but when I'm home there is a sense of hibernating ~ snuggling in, resting for spring ~ amid all this snow! It also makes me reflective on the year past and the year ahead.

2009 was a busy one for the Atwoods.... moving, of course, being the main focus. 2010 will take on a different tone as we get our bearings and settle into our life in calling here in Vermont. (And hopefully find a local job for Gary!) The New Year will also be shaped by my father's recent diagnosis of ALS. This will be a year of learning to live with joy within the limitations of this degenerative disease.

Gary and I also have a new vision we are just beginning to explore, which we hope to grow in some small way 2010. We have both lived with my PTSD and seen the blessings and healing Bady has brought to my (and our) life over the past year and a half. Now we are beginning to wonder how we can bring education and resources to other women trauma survivors who would benefit from a working dog. We are not sure how this might happen, but we are open to researching and brainstorming this idea however the Spirit may move us.

I pray that 2010 may be a year of blessing.... And now it's time to get out of the house to see what this snowy, cold day may bring!

Quote of the Week ~ Lines from Wendell Berry

2009-12-20T13:52:00.000-05:00

Wendell Berry, A Timbered Choir (Sabbath Poems)

His perfect pleasure was sole law;
No pleasure had become self-willed.

For all His creatures were His pleasures
And their whole pleasure was to be
What he made them; they sought no gain
Or growth beyond their proper measures,
Nor longed for change or novelty.
The only new thing could be pain.

Nicky: The Beginning

2009-12-15T19:33:00.003-05:00

Recently I wrote a post about my concern for our elderly boy, Nicky, who has had trouble getting up the stairs. Amazingly, he made a recovery and is mobile again. Still, knowing that saying good-bye is inevitable, I have been thinking a lot about the blessing he has been to me throughout the years. Here's a little story about how he first arrived on the scene.

It had been a week since graduating from seminary and a year of serving my first church. It was time to get a dog. “Sure, come on over. I have a couple dogs to show you.” I was spending my first real vacation at my parents’ house in Maine. As my father and I drove the half hour to Lisbon, I was excited. I had been to a couple of kennels already, but I had a good feeling about this one. Arriving, we found a rundown house surrounded by a couple of falling down barns. A man stepped out in a torn t-shirt and baseball cap. “You here to look at the dogs?” He showed us a couple of sad looking labs and my heart sank. Neither of these were my dog. As we stepped away to leave, I spotted a black and white bundle of energy tied to a dog house in the back. Straining at his lead, he leapt and barked as we took in the spectacle. “Is that dog up for adoption?” I asked. Smiling, the man responded, “Him?” Stooping down to look in his brown doggie eyes, I knew he was family.

Sleeping on the Job

2009-12-14T17:11:00.006-05:00

Bady and I have been quite involved in training lately. As I blogged previously, the training started when I realized I was losing my status as Pack Leader shortly after our move to Vermont! We've now progressed a little beyond the refresher course and are considering getting involved in the working dog sport of Schutzhund. We have a great trainer and have been invited to participate in a local Working Dog Club. We have a goal of earning our Schutzhund BH Title next summer!

This sport work is a good outlet for Bady's energy. It is also good for me in terms of building confidence. In order to excel in Schutzhund the handler must have absolute control of the dog. The dog must constantly look to the handler for instruction. This will make Bady and I a better working team in daily life as well as on the field.

This is Bady working today. If there were a 'sleeping on the job competition' he might just win! He looks cute here, but you should see him in action on the field. He is a force to be reckoned with.... even if he is still my little boy!

Different is Beautiful

2009-12-09T08:01:00.003-05:00

I'm an introvert. That statement probably doesn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me! At Charge Conference of my first year at my first church the SPRC told my District Superintendent ~ Rev. Jerome Del Pino ~ that they would like me to be more 'outgoing.' Their previous pastor had been very extroverted. Rev. Del Pino said something that has always stuck with me. He told me, "Don't change yourself for any church. Just be yourself." It was great advice.

Beth Quick, a fellow introvert and United Methodist pastor, wrote a blog post about introverts and leadership. She also shared an article that makes a case for introverts making the best leaders.

Whether introverts or extroverts, we all have gifts to share. I do tend to be a bit sensitive and think that sometimes introverts get a bad rap. Often, it seems to me, extroverts think introverts want to be more like them. I love being an introvert and I wouldn't change this aspect of my personality for anything. Being an introvert doesn't mean that I am shy or unfriendly. It simply means that I re-energize through more reflective activities. I enjoy spending time alone.

So I say that we should honor each other and the variety of gifts we bring to the table... whether it be ministry, family or whatever! As the old camp song goes, "Different is beautiful!"

Changes

2009-12-03T18:56:00.005-05:00

Anyone who reads this blog knows that our pets are beloved members of our family. Readers probably also know that one member of the family has been failing recently. Our sweet boy Nicky has lost about 20 pounds and is struggling with arthritis. This week he lost the ability to go upstairs by himself. His back legs just won't support him.

I've been praying that when his time comes he will go quietly in his sleep to wait for us at the Rainbow Bridge. (Yes, I know the whole Rainbow Bridge thing is theologically bogus..... but I'm a Universalist when it comes to dogs.) Now, however, I am beginning to think it won't be that easy. How does one decide when the quality of life no longer balances out daily suffering? Is it selfish for me to keep him with us when he is obviously struggling? Are we giving up on him if we 'put him down'?

The truth is I didn't think he would survive our recent move. I thought the changes in routine would be too disorienting for him. It took him a few weeks, but he settled in quite nicely to life in Vermont. His life is pretty limited ~ the house, the back yard ~ but he has seemed happy most days. No matter what we decided in the next few days, I will always feel blessed to have this sweet rescue dog in my life. From the first moment I saw him ~ hitched to a tree behind the kennel ~ I knew he was family.

Acedia

2009-11-22T16:18:00.003-05:00

Accidie (Greek for 'negligence,' indifference'). By the early 5th century the word had become a technical term in Christian asceticism, signifying a state of restlessness and inability to either work or to pray. It is accounted one of the 'seven deadly sins.'
~ Oxford Concise Dictionary of the Christian Church

I must admit I was not familiar with the term until I read Kathleen Norris' latest book Acedia & Me. I loved the three other books I've read by Norris ~ A Cloister Walk, Dakota, and Amazing Grace. This book, while very different, was also excellent. In it Norris explores her own propensity to acedia ~ especially in the midst of her husbands illnesses and death.

Norris is careful to separate acedia from depression. Acedia, as she explains it, is a more spiritual affliction while depression is physical / psychological. Norris also separates acedia from the sin of sloth. While the two are related, acedia (or bad thoughts) can be more assiduous than what tends to be the outwardly visible sin of slothfulness.

Personally I would not say that I have a propensity toward acedia in the way Norris describes it, but we probably all have struggled with restlessness and dissatisfaction at one time or another. Recently I went through a dry spell in my devotional life as I struggled with some uncertainty in focus and direction. To hear that the desert fathers and mothers experienced similar periods of questioning is reassuring. Yet, it is when the questioning turns into numbness and the inability to care that true acedia sets in.

I thank Norris for her openness in writing this book. Being vulnerable is not an easy thing. Norris, a well know writer and poet, shared that in a difficult periods of acedia she encountered reviews of her books that described her as a spiritual guru of our day. It is easy to think that everyone else has it together and we are the only ones that are messed-up. That Norris made herself real in this book is a blessing. For it is when we are willing to share our own struggles that we can help other most profoundly.

Vote Now! (For real!) Make Your Voice be Heard :)

2009-10-25T16:49:00.003-04:00

While checking out a new free polling site, Gary developed this silly survey ~ just for fun! I know some of you have opinions about our 'boys,' so text, tweet or visit the site to vote! If you have trouble seeing the code, click on the graph to enter the full screen mode. The boys are waiting!

Try this audience polling system at Poll Everywhere

Slow and Steady

2009-10-19T14:24:00.002-04:00

My German Shepherd Dog, Bady, and I have been together for 14 months. As I've shared in previous posts, he has completely changed my life. As Gary put it recently, Bady allowed me the breathing room I needed to heal from years of living with post-traumatic stress. I feel consistently more like myself than I had for seven years. I can get up, go to work, eat, sleep, excercise, visit, laugh ~ on a daily basis ~ all without any debilitating triggers.

During this time, Bady has been a faithful and loyal companion. But Bady has also grown and changed and matured into a full grown German Shepherd male. That is to say that Bady changed, while my way of being with him didn't change. For one thing, he has grown physically. He is not the gangly one-year old he was when I got him. His personality has also changed. He's still a goof ball a lot of the time, but he also takes seriously his role as man of the house ~ especially when Gary is not home, which four days a week since we've moved to Vermont. I've appreciated that safety net, but I also have to let him know that woman of the house trumps man of the house and that's final!

So now it is time for a tune-up for me as a pack leader. We have found an excellent trainer who has years of experience with German Shepherd Dogs. After our initial consultation he declared Bady to be an excellent dog ~ but a lot of dog as well. (His assessment of me was less complimentary :>) When I asked him if Bady was too much dog for me, he responded that it depends on how much work I am willing to do.

Needless to say, I am willing to do whatever work it takes for us to continue to be a team. We've already come a long way in five or six weeks. When we met last Friday our trainer said, "Slow and steady wins the race with this dog." (I suspect that is the case for me as well.) It strikes me that 'slow and steady' is how most things in life are best approached. Just as my healing continues to be a slow and steady process, by God's grace, there are not often easy answers in life. So I'm willing to take things one day at a time.

Faith Autopsy

2009-10-13T20:14:00.003-04:00

I would like to share a blog that I have recently been reading. I know the author of this blog from my time in Connecticut. He was lead pastor at a growing emergent church in the area. I attended a couple of his services and, later, served with him on the board of the local conference of churches. While I knew that there were differences in Ben and my theological outlook, I had (and continue to have) great respect for him. I was stunned recently when I heard he was no longer lead pastor of the church. That was went I began reading his blog:

Faith Autopsy

In it I found an honest account of his journey being a gay man in the evangelical tradition. I think this is extremely brave of him ~ to put his story out there for all to read. He affirms that he is both a committed Jesus follower and a gay man who will no longer hide. I hope that others who struggle with how to reconcile their faith with their homosexuality will gain strength and insight from him. Thank you, Ben, for your thoughtfulness, generosity and compassion!

It IS almost Halloween

2009-09-28T13:49:00.001-04:00

Apparently Zeke is getting in the spirit of the season....

You look too young ...

2009-09-26T16:06:00.003-04:00

...to be a pastor. As the saying goes, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that! It was more difficult to hear when I was a 25 year old student local pastor. I didn't have years of experience to point to back then. Today, as a 34 year old ordained elder, I take it as a compliment. Or, at least, I try to. It is still a little frustrating having moved to a new church ~ in my 10th year of ministry ~ to be asked one of these questions:

"Is this your first church?"
"Are you a recent graduate?"

(To be clear, I don't hear this from my congregation as much as from members of the community, other churches, ecumenical clergy colleagues and people I meet on the street!)

And, truth be told, I don't think I look like a 25 year old seminary student any more. I think I look pretty much all of my 34 years ~ with a few gray hairs peeking out here and there. In fact, I've had people ask me if I have children at the local high school which, technically, I could have.

So this makes me wonder.... How old does one have to look to look old enough to be a pastor? And, not to open up a can of worms, but.... Do my younger male colleagues get this comment as much as my younger female colleagues do? Does this comment just reflect the stereotypes of what a pastor is 'supposed to' look like? And what is a pastor supposed to look like anyway?

For now, I am glad that I can say 'thank you' with a smile when I hear such a comment. "Thank you. I've actually been a pastor for about 10 years. This is the third church I've served."

But I still wonder what's behind it.

Quote of the Week ~ Faith

2009-09-23T15:27:00.002-04:00

"That is faith, I suppose, learning how to live in the meantime, between the last time we heard from God and the next time we hear from God."

~ Renita Weems, Listening for God: A Ministers Journey Through Silence and Doubt

3 weeks or 3 months or 3 years

2009-09-21T17:02:00.002-04:00

I've been here in Vermont, now, for almost three months. As I shared before, the house is starting to feel like home. I've made connections with a new doctor's office, new hair stylist, new dog trainer. I'm getting used to my new surroundings. I realized the other day, though, while having lunch with a local clergy colleague, just how much pressure I am putting myself to settle- in.

Rev. Nancy has been in her church for three years. While talking, I made an off hand comments that I will 'know better my schedule in a couple weeks.' She lovingly challenged me, saying that she was just now beginning to feel settled after three years.

I admit that I don't deal well with uncertainty. I like to have things nailed down. I want to have this whole settling-in period done. Yet, uprooting your life ~ settling into a new community and starting a new job ~ are not simple transitions. They are messy and exciting and difficult and take time.

I feel like a broken record, but I guess I just have to keep reminding myself to slow down, be easy, and let it all sink in. Last week I read a great definition of discernment. A pastor posting on a lectionary bulletin board wrote that discerment is , "...sticking to the topic we want to
avoid until it begins to open up for us." Perhaps God is trying to teach me something here..... Let's hope I can slow down enough to figure out what it is!

New. New. New.

2009-09-14T13:19:00.002-04:00

Last week we got a few new things. Before we moved here we saved up some money ~ and were given som generous gifts ~ to buy some new things for our new home. Each house is different, so each house requires a few new things! For example, at our last house there was a built in corner display unit with a glass door. This was very handy for hiding breakables from the cat! So one of our purchases was a curio cabinet. Also, our new house has the perfect office / guest room, which required a futon! It was fun to shop for both these things and it just happened that both were delivered last week.

(I also visited by new doctor for the first time last week, which made it a week full of new things!)

The most unexpected new thing, though, turned out to be the purchase of a new-to-us car. After six years with us, our '96 Jeep came to the end of it's road. We expected this would happen, just not this soon. We decided $3000 in repairs was just not worth it. I miss the Jeep, but I am happy to have a new set of wheels, which will (I pray) be a bit more reliable.

One of my Facebook friends wrote, "New doctor! New futon! New car! What's next?" Hopefully nothing! Because along with this latest purchase comes new debt, new monthly payments and new frugality!

Adjusting

2009-09-07T20:09:00.004-04:00

Gary and I aren't the only ones who have had to adjust to the move. The boys have done pretty well. Zeke has been a trouper. Besides the five hour drive up, Zeke barely noticed that we moved. As long as he has his crunchies and litter box, he's happy.

Nicky, on the other hand, had a more difficult adjustment. He's still figuring out the house. He gets lost going from room to room and we've had a few unfortunate 'accidents' when he couldn't find the door to let us know he needed to go out. It is getting better, though. He's comfortable in his little basement bachelor pad with his crate and feeding station. He spends most of his day happily sleeping down there.

Bady takes his duties as 'man of the house' very seriously. None of us are happy that Gary is gone four days a week, but we make do. The dogs follow me from room to room like shadows. Zeke curls up on Gary's side of the bed to keep it warm. We all jump on Gary and give him kisses when he gets home. (Well, I don't jump on him, but I give him kisses ~ I'm usually the last in line!) Such is life as the Atwoods in Vermont!

Letting my Soul Catch Up

2009-09-05T16:31:00.002-04:00

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Besides moving and starting at a new church, we've had several weeks of visitors, a week of vacation, and the challenge of getting used to Gary's new schedule. Last week, when an afternoon appointment got canceled at the last minute, I found myself collapsed on the couch devoid of all energy. This moment of space in my day gave me the opportunity to check-in with myself. I had the overwhelming sense that I had been going at warp speed for so long that my soul hadn't completely caught up with my body.

I believe the idea that one's soul needs time to catch up with one's physical activities comes out of the Native American tradition. I can't remember where I first read it, but I often think of this exchange. After a day of travel, wanting to know what is next, the Anglo American asks her Native American friend. Her friend replies, "Now we wait for our souls to catch up with our bodies."

I think I am still waiting. That's not to say I'm just sitting around. But I am trying to build some quiet time into my days to connect with my soul and allow myself to absorb all the changes that have taken place. Self-care is a clergy buzz-phrase that springs to mind. Playing catch up, not just with bills and errands, but with the sacred stuff of life takes discipline. So I'm trying to discipline myself in my new surroundings, and not rush ahead so fast that I leave myself behind.

Getting Caught Up

2009-08-31T14:33:00.003-04:00

It is hard to believe that my first Sunday at Faith UMC was seven weeks ago. The time has gone by really fast on the one hand, but it also feels like we have been here much longer. The house is starting to feel like home and life is more settled.

The picture is of the Altar decoration from my first Sunday. Each of the different ministry teams presented me with a gift. The gifts were placed on the Altar to make this beautiful display. Now the gifts are decorating my office to remind me of the many and varied ministries of the church. I feel blessed to be part of such a vital community of faith.

On a personal note, we had a good summer visit with Ben. He is 10 years old and growing up! We explored Lake Champlain, attended Campmeeting, and enjoyed time with various sets of grandparents. We also visited the Ben & Jerry's factory and made a trip to the Cabot outlet ~ local Vermont favorites! While I'll never be a 'Woodchuck', I'm starting to feel like a Vermonter!

Summer Vacation

2009-07-19T17:19:00.004-04:00

It seems that I forgot how exhausting it is to move to a new place, get used to a new church, and settle in to a new community. My days are full with meeting interesting new people (parishioners and neighbors), finding my way to new places and learning new ways to do things.... Not to mention trips to the DMV and Town Office. There are also the many trips to the shops to stock up on those things we couldn't bring with us and outfit the new house with all those personalized touches.

That is all to say that ~ while I've had fleeting moments of inspiration ~ my thoughts have not been with the blog. And that probably is not going to improve any time soon. Ben has just arrived for his summer stay which will include a trip to Campmeeting and various visits with and from grandparents and friends. All that while continuing to settle in to a new church life will make for a busy five weeks.

I do feel a certain amount guilt when I fail to update my blog regularly. While I realize that nothing I share is particularly earth-shattering, I do feel a certain responsibility toward those of you who take the time to read this... all two of you!! :>) But in the spirit of being easy on myself, I am going to take a summer vacation from the blog. Hopefully by the fall I will be full of ideas and thoughts to share. But for now, I'll see you in September!

Having Faith

2009-07-07T13:34:00.002-04:00

The last week has been a whirlwind of moving vans, boxes, late nights and early mornings as we have settled in to our new house. We probably can't claim to be Vermonter's yet, but we are certainly enjoying this new state we will call home for, hopefully, the foreseeable future.

The last week has also been a whirlwind of meeting new people, exploring new places and being very warmly welcomed by the folks of Faith UMC. Whenever settling into a new place, however, I always feels a sense of disorientation. Everything seems to take longer when getting used to a new community. And I've driven by our side street more than once. (Don't tell Gary!)

Yet I have faith that this is where God has called me to be at the time. I have faith that the city of South Burlington will soon feel like home. And I have faith that God is with me and the people of Faith UMC as we make this transition to ministry together at this time and in this place.

Thank for your prayers during our move. I'll be better about updating from now on!

Final Quotes from my Desk

2009-06-08T13:58:00.002-04:00

The final packing days are upon me, so I guess I should get rid of these last few scraps of paper cluttering up my desk and post them here. This is quite a random list, and I'm not exactly sure why I felt the need to write all of them down. But in any case.... Enjoy!

"The deep darkness vanished into ordinary daylight, and the mystery of God was only made more splendid." ~ Marilynn Robinson, Gilead

In the meantime, those who weep now are truly blessed, for they see the incongruity between the promised kingdom and things as they stand.

"Anger is not humanizing. It is a rehearsal for the performance that never arrives." ~ Carol Shields

Thank you, O God, for the healing power of your love that is at work in me now.

"Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles." ~ George Jean Nathan

Mixed Emotions

2009-06-05T08:16:00.006-04:00

The past few weeks have been so busy. Of course, there's the packing. Then there was the Good-Bye Party at church. I've also been trying to visit our homebound members one last time before I leave. This week I put together my last few worship services. I have had (or will soon have) my last Council on Ministries, Ad Board and SPRC meetings. The past few weeks have also been filled with mixed emotions. Excitement, sadness, nerves, impatience, anticipation.....

Another important priority has been spending special time with the people I'm going to miss the most. One of those people is this little munchkin (and her Mommy and Daddy, too)! Gary and I had the chance to babysit Katie last Monday. She was such a good girl, and even let us take her for a stroll after dinner. She went down to sleep no problem. I think we passed the babysitting test! It was bitter-sweet, because I know I won't be able to spend as much time with her after we move.... But there is always Skype and e-mail and the phone and occasional visits. She assures me that I will always be her Auntie Krista.

As a pastor, I realize it is my responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries with parishioners after I leave. It is generally understood that there will be no contact between parishioners and the former pastor for a year. They need to be able to bond with the new pastor, without interference on my part, and that makes sense. Yet some people ~ very few ~ become part of the make-up of your life. This has been the case with Katie's family. Our relationship has moved from parishioner to co-workers to friends to family. So I will be respectful of boundaries as we move on, but I won't be giving up this little munchkin or her 'peeps.' Just look at that face! How could I?

One More Quote from my Desk

2009-05-18T13:33:00.002-04:00

Rev. Peter Laarman wrote in The Progressive Christian:

Back in my days as a pastor I would sometimes tell congregants that faithful people are like small air purification units in a large, polluted space. By being clear and kind and generous and open-hearted, we remove just enough of the dirt for others to begin to be more clear and kind and generous themselves.

Retreating

2009-05-16T16:43:00.001-04:00

Two days at the Rockcraft Conference Center was just what I needed. As a member of the Local Church Transformation Committee, the two days were spent in lively conversation with transformational pastors about the present and future of the church. We prayed together in our opening worship:

Then just when we think we’ve got it right
as to where we should go and what we should do;
just when we’re ready to take on the world,
you come, like a beggar, to our back door,
saying, “This is the way.
I am the way.”
And offering us bread and wine.

The loaf of blessing remained in the center of our circle throughout our afternoon conversations as we discussed Reggie McNeal’s book Missional Renaissance. As is the case in many areas of my life lately, I wasn’t completely prepared. I left home on Tuesday without finishing the book. I blame the stress of the move, the busyness of packing and the blessing of my Mom’s visit. Yet I was still able to be part of an inspiring discussion of who we are and who God’s might be calling us to be. And every once in a while the aroma of bread filled the room. For me, it was a reminder of God’s grace.

More Quotes from my Desk

2009-04-21T10:36:00.002-04:00

Continuing my effort to rid myself of these little scraps of paper, here are a few more quotes I found in my desk:

What is the use of living for things that you cannot hold on to, values that crumble in your hands as soon as you possess them, pleasures that turn sour before you have begun to taste them, and a peace that is constantly turning to war? ~ Thomas Merton on going into the Trappist Monastery

When we collectively believe more in the power of love than in the power of fear, then change can happen. ~ Patricia D. Brown

Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith. They keep it awake and moving. ~ Frederick Buechner

May the peace of God fill my heart, mind and activity all this day long. Amen.

Faith

2009-04-20T17:40:00.003-04:00

I am happy to announce that ~ as of July 1st ~ I will be the new pastor of Faith United Methodist Church in South Burlington, VT! This is a slightly unusual appointment since Vermont is officially part of the Troy Annual Conference. However, Vermont will be joining with the New England Annual Conference as of July 2010. I'm excited to be on the leading edge of this transition!

Faith UMC seems like a wonderful, gifted and faith-filled congregation ~ focused on living a Christ-centered life together. I feel blessed to have been appointed to this church.

Vermont will be the fourth New England state we have lived in thus far... and the only state without an ocean. From what we've seen so far, the Green Mountains and Lake Champlain are just beautiful. Ben & Jerry's ~ here we come!

Quotes from my Desk

2009-04-15T16:29:00.002-04:00

While going through my desk the other day I found a box filled with scraps of paper on which I had written quotes I liked from my reading several years ago. I guess that was before I decided to start sharing some of my favorite quotes here!

In an effort to save these quotes which I found meaningful ~ and eliminate the scraps of paper ~ I am going to share a few here every now and then. Don't expect them to be grouped by subject. I'm just going to start from the top of the pile, so they will be in no particular order!

Because nothing true can be said about God from a posture of defense. ~ Marilynn Robinson, Gilead

Have the patience and courage to begin anew each day, and trust in God's help; his mercy is new every morning. Then you will understand that life is a matter of becoming or growing, and that you must look forward to greater things. Even though you stand in battle with dark powers, victory will be yours, since in Christ every evil is overcome. You will always remain at the beginning of your search, because you will continually change, yet in faith you will find the fulfillment of all your longing. ~ Eberhard Arnold

There is an Indian Belief that everyone is in a house of four rooms: A physical, a mental, an emotional, and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room everyday, even if only to keep it aired, we are not complete. ~ Rumer Godden, House of Four Rooms

Extra-Dependence

2009-04-14T14:30:00.000-04:00

About two months ago I realized that our weekly worship services were not leaving me with the feeling of having 'worshipped.' One of the blessings of being in a multi-pastor congregation is that there is at least one service every Sunday where I don't have to preach ~ and can listen to the sermon. Yet, for the first time, I was feeling like that wasn't quite enough. It could have something to do with the upcoming changes in my ministry location and the stress and grief of having to say good- bye. Whatever the reason, on Monday morning I was feeling brittle in a way I had not before.

So I decided to find a mid-week service to attend at another church. Since the only local Protestant churches with mid-week services were the ultra-fundementalists ones, I started attending a Catholic Mass ~ weekly on Wednesdays. It is a short service, about 30 minutes, with Scripture, music, prayer, homily and Eucharist. While I do not recieve the Eucharist ~ being a Protestant and Methodist pastor at that ~ I still feel blessed by the richness of the liturgy.

One of the reasons that I think this experience has been such a blessing is that it is a place where I can go and simply be me. I have no responsibility if things go well or not. I'm not Pastor Krista. I don't have to have input into the service. No one is going to ask me my opinion about anything.

In his book Clergy Self Care: Finding a Balance for Effective Ministry Roy Oswald calls this "Extra-Dependence." We oscillate between Intra-Dependence and Extra-Dependence on a daily basis. Intra-Dependence is the part of our life where we have responsibilty and people look to us to be in charge. This could be at home or at work or in any variety of areas where we have leadership. Extra-Dependence is the part of our life where we don't have to be in charge... the part of our life where we can be cared for, relax and have fun.

Clergy, I suspect, spend much of life in Extra-Dependence. Whether we realize it or not, we are often taking care of others' needs. We are the responsible ones. In relation to what I shared above, Sunday morning in my church is not the primary place for me to work out my grief about leaving. As pastor, it is my responsibiliy and role to care for others in their greif ~ whether it is their grief about my leaving or something else going on in their life. So I needed to find a place where I could work out my own feelings in worship, prayer and praise. Roy Oswald states, "Periodocally we need to move into a state where we do not have to be in charge and can allow ourselves to be cared for." Amen to that!

No one has to worry that I am going to leave behind my Methodist roots and become Catholic! But I am glad I gave myself this freedom to explore and I strongly suspect that my prayer life and my ministry has been enriched by it. For this I thank God ~ who is God of all!

Quote of the Week ~ Satisfaction

2009-04-07T16:47:00.002-04:00

I'm finding that packing and getting ready to move is quite disruptive to my schedule. I'm trying to take is slow (I packed three boxes today), but still..... As a person who likes routine, I am trying to keep some sense of schedule in these busy weeks. I offer a quote for this Holy Week from John of the Cross, "The Mount of Perfection." These are words I should take to heart!

To reach satisfaction in all
desire satisfaction in nothing.
To come to possess all
desire the possession of nothing.
To arrive at being all
desire to be nothing.
To come to the knowledge of all
desire the knowledge of nothing.

Quiet

2009-04-04T07:53:00.002-04:00

The blog remains quiet and I think it will stay that way much of the next few months. I hope to update now and then, but there is much to do. Goodbyes need to be said. Packing needs to be done. And then there will be the process of adjusting to the new community!

Some progress has been made on my next appointment, but nothing that I can share publicly. Hopefully I will have some news to share within the month. In the meantime, we are beginning to pack.... or more accurately, we are beginning to think about packing. This is my fourth big move ~ Gary and my second together. The last time we moved we had to pack the house in three weeks. This time it is nice to have more lead time, but neither do I want to live out of boxes for the next two and a half months. I've read some 'moving for dummies' kind of books, but I haven't found anything particularly helpful. Any tips from experienced movers out there?

Announcement

2009-03-26T14:47:00.003-04:00

Things around here have been quiet for a while. I think that is because I've had a lot on my mind, and much of it has been "un-bloggable." The announcement has now been made, however, and I can share with my blog friends what has been going on.

Here is the statement I read in church last Sunday:

On July 1, 2004 I was appointed as your Associate Pastor. I count these past five years as a great blessing and joy. In this time we have worked and played and wept and rejoiced together as brothers and sisters in Christ, and for this I thank God.

Over the past year, with much prayer and reflection, it has become clear to me that God is calling me to a new ministry in a different place. It is with excitement, but also with no small amount of grief, that I acknowledge this call.

On my appointment update form for this year I indicated a desire for a new appointment with the wish to return to a solo pastorate. Last week I received confirmation from Rev. Heidi Chamberland, our District Superintendent, that my request will be honored. Gary and I will be moving to a new church as of this July 1st. I don’t yet know where the new church will be, but I trust the guidance of the Holy Spirit working through the Bishop and the Cabinet as they discern a good match for my gifts in ministry.

In the meantime, I look forward to these next three months together in ministry. Trusting that God was present with us five years ago in my appointment here, I trust that God is present with us now ~ all of us ~ in this transition. It is my hope that we will hold each other in prayer during this time of change.

Tough Week

2009-03-05T15:20:00.006-05:00

This has been a tough week. Within two days our church experienced two major losses. A 44 year old mother of 4 died on Saturday after a long and courageous battle with cancer. She was our nursery coordinator. On Sunday we got word that the 27 year old daughter of one of our most active and well loved members died suddenly and unexpectedly. The congregation has been reeling from both tragedies. One of the funerals is tomorrow and the other is Sunday. In between these two services I have to go on the Confirmation Retreat. Please pray for me!

In the midst of this tough week we were hit by an early March snow storm. Bringing the boys outside to play as the snow was falling added some much needed distraction and fun to what seems like an unbearable situation. Here are some photos of our silly boys. I thank God for them every day!

Quote of the Week ~ Things of the World

2009-02-27T16:34:00.002-05:00

I am spending time in my daily devotion with John of the Cross. Here is a thought I found appropriate for Lent:

Divine Wisdom speaks, here, to all those who are attached to the things of the world. She tells them that she is dealing with great things, not small things, as they are. The riches and glory they love are with her and in her; not where they think. Lofty riches and justice are present in her. Although in their opinion the things of this world are riches, she tells them to bear in mind that her riches are more precious, that the fruit found in them will be better than gold and precious stones, and that what she begets in souls has greater value than cherished silver, which signifies every kind of affection possible in this life.

~ John of the Cross

Isn't it our constant struggle not to be attached to the things of the world? This struggle is part of my motivation for undertaking a weekly fast during Lent. I haven't figured out exactly what form my fast will take, but any kind of fast is going to be hard for me! I'll keep you updated and let you know how it goes.

Life Insurance

2009-02-25T18:11:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Gary and I did a very grown-up thing. We took out a life insurance policy. It isn't as if we came up with the idea ourselves, though. We were alerted to a special offer through our benefits provider. Yet, instead of letting the opportunity pass by, we decided to take advantage of it.

It strikes me as somewhat ironic that this all happened at the beginning of our Lenten Journey when we hear the words, "Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return."

As partners and parents, Gary and I have to acknowledge that we are not going to live forever. Life insurance helps us plan for that, and that's important. Yet spiritual planning is just as important as practical planning. It is also a very grown-up thing to recognize that we are created as mortal beings, loved by God with a finite time on earth. How do I want to spend that time? What is most important to me? How does my life reflect that? These are the questions I will be focusing on during this season of Lent.

What about you? What is your Lenten preparation?

Quilt

2009-02-20T09:17:00.005-05:00

My Grammy Dot died about 10 years ago. She was a quilter. She made some beautiful pieces and I am blessed to have some of them in my home. When she died, though, she left several projects unfinished. I ended up with one of them.... a pink, white, and blue 'wedding ring' quilt top. All these years my plan has been to finish it myself. My mother offered to help me. But this year it dawned on me. "Who am I kidding? I'm not a quilter! And during the brief visits my mom and I share during the year, we're not going to want to quilt!" So I came up with Plan B.

Every Tuesday a group of women meet at the church to quilt. I've watched them make several quilts over the years and they are always absolutely gorgeous. They usually sell the quilts at the church fair and donate the money toward mission. This fall, as they were finishing up their latest quilt, it occurred to me to ask them if they had another project lined up. When they said no, I asked them if they would be interested in taking on something a little different! They were happy to be asked and thrilled when they saw the beautiful quilt top my Grammy had begun.

Now, every Tuesday, I get to see the progress they are making on the quilt. I'm so pleased that the donation I make will go entirely to missions and that I will, finally, be able to enjoy this quilt that has spent the last 10 years in my closet. I'm also happy that this quilt will not only hold good memories of my Grammy Dot, but also memories of the kind and generous quilting ladies at South UMC!

Quote of the Week ~ Suffering

2009-02-19T13:08:00.002-05:00

Suffering is not God's desire for us, but it occurs in the process of life. Suffering is not given to teach us something, but through it we may learn. Suffering is not given to punish us, but sometimes it is the consequence of our sin or poor judgment. Suffering does not occur because our faith is weak, but through it our faith may be strengthened. God does not depend on human suffering to achieve his purposes, but sometimes through suffering his purposes are achieved. Suffering can either destroy us or it can add meaning to our life.

~ Quoted from Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White by Adam Hamilton. Hamilton cites it as coming from an unidentified church newsletter.

Valentine Surprise

2009-02-16T09:06:00.003-05:00

Imagine my surprise on Valentine's Day when I opened these M&M's! The picture is of Gary and me when we were in California. "Meow" is from Zeke, of course and "Woof" is from Nicky. "Voof" is not a misprint, but rather the German translation for Bady :>)

What a nice Valentine treat... and they taste good, too!

Swimming Lessons

2009-02-15T17:14:00.003-05:00

On Friday, Katie took me swimming! She's had several lessons so far, so she wanted to teach her "Auntie Krista" everything she knows. It was so much fun! Check out the link to see all about it.

Swimming Lessons
(It may take a few minutes to load.)

Friday Five ~ Pet Edition

2009-02-13T13:10:00.003-05:00

RevGal Sophia writes: My son's tiny beloved lizard, Elf, is looking and acting strange this week. His skin/scales are quite dark, and he is lethargic. We are adding vitamin drops to his lettuce and spinach and hoping and praying that he is just getting ready to shed his skin--but it's too soon to tell. Others in the ring have also been worried about beloved pets this week. And, in the saddest news of all, Songbird has had to bid farewell to her beloved Molly, the amazing dog who is well known to readers of her blog as a constant sacrament of God's unconditional love.

So in memory of Molly, and in honor of all the beloved animal companions who bless our lives: tell us about the five most memorable pets you have known.

As I sit writing this, I am surrounded (literally) by three of the best pets one could ask for. Bady (our German Shepherd) is snoozing on his mat. Nicky (our Border Collie) is pacing around the room, as usual. And Zeke (our kitty) is perched atop the living room chair. Each of my "boys" have been an important part of my journey. Zeke was there (with my bunny, Raisin) through my years of seminary and my first experience of living alone. Nicky came to me during my first year at my first church ~ full of energy, filling a lonely house with his presence. Bady is the newest arrivial and my constant companion ~ in the house, in the car, at the church, making visits, by my bed.

Since I was five years old, and we brought our money cat Abby home from the pound, I have always had a furry friend (or two or three). Abby was a dignified soul who didn't quite appreciate the antics of a five year old. Not long after, though, Fluff was adopted ~ a little puff of yellow fur who liked to play with me and attack her sister. I give thanks for all my animal friends, past and present. My condolensces go to Songbird at the loss of Molly. While I know there are many who would challenge my theology.... I firmly believe that all dogs (and cats and lizards and rabbits) go to heaven.

Valentine's Wish

2009-02-11T17:59:00.002-05:00

This afternoon, as I got into the Jeep to head home, I had a thought. It was fleeting, but the essence of it was: "I wonder if I will get a Valentine from Gram today?" Of course, Gram has been gone for more than four years now. I miss the notes and cards she would send throughout the year ~ and always on Valentine's Day. She would buy a "Hallmark" card, but embellish it with stickers and drawings and her own verse. Here's a poem I found in her journal, written for Valentine's Day 1994.

Quietly
(Valentines Day 1994)

As quiet as snow falling
Or fog filling the valley
Still as a burning candle;
As a butterfly in flight,
As a vine seeking to cling.
Quiet as a seed breaking the ground
Is the feeling of being loved.

The years have gone by fast and it is still hard, at times, to believe that there will be no more Valentine's or Birthday Cards and notes 'just because.' Yet I know that she taught me something about the feeling of being loved, and for that I am thankful.