Speaking out about Trauma

About a month ago I spoke at our Chittenden County Domestic and Sexual Violence Legislative Forum. The audience was made up of about 100 community members and 15 of our state legislators. I spoke for about 10 minutes from the perspective of a survivor of assault and sexual violence. The purpose of the Forum was to raise awareness of the issues of domestic and sexual violence among our legislators as they head into their 2012 legislative session. (I blogged about this previously at The Bady Partnership.)

The process of preparing and delivering the speech took much more out of me emotionally than I ever expected. I've talked about my experience of trauma with friends, family and congregation members on many, many occasions. Even so, in the week leading up to the Forum I began experiencing nightmares, insomnia and dissociative feelings associated with flashbacks. These old, familiar feelings rushed back reminding me of what it was like when I was in the midst ~ and at the worst ~ of my PTSD.

While the possibility of pulling out of the speech did occur to me, I decided to continue. While the PTSD symptoms were painful, I was not scared of them. Giving up would be giving in to the trauma. I felt that it was important to tell my story and, hopefully, make an impact. I gave the speech on January 30th and it was an amazing experience. It was difficult to share some of the more intimate details of my trauma and recovery, making myself vulnerable to a room full of strangers. I was helped by great support from church members who prayed for me and attended. Gary took the day off to be with me.

In some ways I feel like my story is out there in the world now. It's out there to, hopefully, help someone else in some way. When the legislators are making decisions about bills related to sexual and domestic violence maybe they will think of me. Giving the speech also gave me the opportunity to speak with other survivors and hear pieces of their stories.

I had hoped that after I gave the speech I would go back to feeling 'good' again, but it took some time. In fact, I think it has taken me the whole month to fully recover and feel back to my new-normal, healthy self again. Thankfully Bady and Gary and friends and family have been with me, supporting me, along the way. I am thankful that I had the opportunity and that I took it.

Seven Random Happy Thoughts

Happy Day :)

1. I made chocolate chip cookies today. Two batches! I hadn't made any cookies since our marathon cookie bake-off before Christmas. We like to freeze them (and eat them frozen or dunk them in hot chocolate), so the two batches will last quite a while. And the house smells delicious.

2. I felt the Spirit move among us in worship yesterday. I love when that happens!

3. I'm keeping up pretty well with the PT exercises for my knee. Last week my therapist told me that she is seeing improvements and I am headed in the right direction. That was good motivation to help me keep up with these 20-30 minute exercises 3 times a day.

4. Bady let me sleep until 7:30 this morning. Yay!

5. Yesterday, thanks to talented and creative members of our congregation, we had a Mardi Gras party after church! It was a great celebration with good food, fellowship, decorations, and community building. I love to see the Narthex packed with people having fun and in no hurry to leave.

6. I've discovered 'Downton Abbey' through streaming Amazon video. It is so good! I'm trying to savor the episodes and not watch them all at once. One a week will last me for quite a while, but it's tempting.....

7. Belated Valentine's Dinner a Leunig's Bistro was fabulous. I'd never had Gnocchi before and I discovered that I really like it. (And the scallops were cooked to perfection!)

Ministry Musings: The Good and The Difficult

There are some really great things about pastoring. I love participating and leading weekly worship services. I love preaching and all the preparation that goes into it. I love working within a community.

There are also some really difficult things about pastoring. There are the long and, sometimes, unproductive meetings. There is the administrative work that needs to be done for the denomination. There are those times when beloved community members get sick. There are the celebrations of life that are a privilege and a great responsibility.

Since I have been a Faith Church there has not been a lot of illness or many deaths. In two-and-a-half years of ministry I can count the number of funerals I have officiated here on one hand. (That is compared to the average 12 funerals a year at my previous appointments.) Perhaps I am a little out of practice. Still, I wish there didn't have to be any.

But I guess the good comes with the difficult. One of the best and most awe-inspiring things about being a pastor is being welcomed into the life of the congregation. With life comes joy and growth along with pain, illness and death. I'll take the difficult along with the good, because it is all a gift. But that doesn't make the difficult any easier.

February Funk

I feel like I've been in a funk the past couple of weeks. It's nothing serious. I just don't feel like I have much motivation lately. My get-up-and go got-up-and went! I expect this kind of funky-feeling in November when the days are getting shorter and winter is making its arrival known. For some reason I by-passed the November funk this year and it popped up in February!

It probably has something to do with my knee problems and the fact that winter hasn't really arrived. Last February I spent most of my free time shoveling, so I didn't have time for a funk and I was getting plenty of endorphins from all the exercise. It may also have something to do with my Dad's birthday on February 7th ~ the second birthday he has not been around to celebrate.

Today has been a good day with a trip to the gym, a movie this afternoon, cupcakes in the oven for tomorrow's church pot-luck and an interesting recipe to try tonight. I've also got some work for The Bady Partnership to keep my busy this evening. Hopefully my February funk will be short-lived. I'm noticing already that it is staying light much later. Dare I hope that Spring is just around the corner........

Random News: My Knee!

Last week I started Physical Therapy on my knee. This came about after an unsuccessful skiing trip in January. I had been noticing some pain in my knee while running on the treadmill and going down stairs but it all came to a head when I put the ski boot on and was immediately unable to walk. Yikes!

My Physical Therapist is very nice. She certainly put me through my paces! I have several exercises to do each day to strengthen the muscles around my knee with the ultimately goal of guiding my knee cap into a healthier place.

I'm glad to be getting treated with the hopes of avoiding a larger problem down the road! It is a little frustrating, though, since jogging is now not recommended and it is something I have really enjoyed. Maybe I will be able to start again after my treatment. This is also a reminder that ~ turning 37 next month ~ I am getting older!

The Bady Partnership

I would like to introduce you to my new blog, "The Bady Partnership." (I will keep up my occasional blogging here. The Bady Partnership is a new adventure.)

As you may know, I am a survivor of assault and sexual violence. I've shared bits of peices of my story here over the years. My journey of healing has been a long one. I've been aided along the way by supportive friends and family, my faith and my German Shepherd Dog, Bady. After I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, many of the struggles I experienced began to make sense. When Bady came into my life, seven years after my assault, I was at the end of my rope. Bady provided me with the sense of security I needed to heal. (I often say that he restored my false sense of security.) He gave me space to work through my trauma issues. While I will never by completely free of PTSD, I now live most days symptom free.

The Bady Partnership is the beginning sketches of a dream to help other people who have experienced violent or life-threatening assaults and sexual violence find healing. Our way-out-there dream is to one day become a non-profit agency to facilitate canine partnership for people with PTSD, provide education about Rape-Related PTSD and explore other avenues of healing, including recreational therapies. The blog is an opportunity for me to begin to articulate the vision and share what I am learning about PTSD and it's treatment.

As a Christian and as a pastor, I see this as an important ministry and as part of my larger call to ministry. Jesus came so that we all could live abundantly. Abundant living is difficult when one is dealing with the effects of trauma and trying to manage PTSD symptoms on a daily (or hourly) basis. I've identified three passages from Scripture as my focus passages for The Bady Partnership.

For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ~ John 15:11-12

God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. ~ Genesis 1:25

Check our The Bady Partnership when you have a chance! Then let me know what you think.

Ministry Musings: Disciplines

Last week I attended the New England Conference Pastor's Winter Gathering. It seemed to come quickly on the heels of Christmas and I was feeling a little stressed about going. I am so glad I went! The topic was "The Art of Spiritual Growth." We had several speakers who talked about spiritual growth from different perspectives: music, art, spiritual disciplines, self care, etc. The whole event was enlightening and the opportunity to fellowship with colleagues was renewing. There were two gems in particular that I took away from the event that touched me personally at this point on my journey:

1. Disciplines are things that we do for ourselves. Lately I've embarked on some new spiritual disciplines. For the most part they have been fruitful. However, during those times that I've 'slipped' I've felt guilty about it. This reminder helped me to know that guilt is so not the point. My disciplines are things I've decided to do to help me draw closer to God. There are going to be times when I slip and forget and that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day with a new opportunity to do something beneficial for myself.

2. The second gem is similar. One of the workshop presenters is a colleague that I deeply respect and consider to be a way more spiritual person than I am. During his workshop he presented his daily discipline and made it clear that he practices that particular discipline five days a week. The other two days he does another discipline ~ or none at all. I've bee struggling with those two days and how to live out my spiritual disciplines on the weekends (Friday and Saturday for me). If he can give himself a break two days a week I think I can too!

Fabulous Furries: Best Picture of Zeke Ever

Zeke isn't know for being particularly photogenic, but this Christmas Day picture does capture some of his best qualities. First, you can see that cute little black nose that usually blends with the rest of his fur. Then there are his big, beautiful, amber eyes. For a 16 year old cat, I think he is looking quite dapper! (From this picture one might even mistake him for a friendly cat.)

Zeke has been with me since before seminary. He has accompanied me to each of the churches I've served. I've been with Zeke longer than I've been with Gary! Most of the time he doesn't seem like an "old" cat, but at 16 I know anything can happen. I have to admit that the possibility that Zeke won't make it to see 2013 has crossed my mind. We've joked that Zeke will out live all of us out of spite, but I suspect that won't be the case.

So I am happy to have the good picture of my cute but elderly little man. 2012 may be the Year of the Dragon, but in our house it will always be the Year of the Cat!

Fun with the Family: Merry Christmas

The lead-up to Christmas felt especially hectic this year. I ended up making several pastoral visits in the two weeks leading up to Christmas Day. These visits were important both for me and for the people I saw, but also took big chunks out of my available time. I also found there were a bunch of little things that needed to be taken care of at the last minute ~ both Christmas related and not. I put in more than a few very long days and skipped going to the gym more than I would like to admit. Having Christmas fall on a Sunday just added to the, um, excitement.

Even so ~ and maybe because of it ~ Christmas was wonderful. The Christmas Eve services were spirit-filled and celebratory. The Christmas Day worship was, as one parishioner aptly put it, filled with love. And in the midst of it all, I got to spend some great time with Gary and the furry family members.

After the Christmas Eve services Gary set up the tripod to try to capture our yearly holiday photo. After a busy, exhausting day this about sums it up. I love the smiles on our faces. (Well, Zeke isn't smiling, but.......)

Advent Expectation

I seem to be a little out of practice for Advent. Last year I missed Advent with my congregation since I spent most of it with my Dad in the days before his death. Dad died on December 18th and I didn't return to worship with my congregation until the Sunday after Christmas. Liturgically I went from Christ the King Sunday to Epiphany. Everything in between was a blur.

Spiritually I also missed out on Advent. It was difficult to wait with anticipation for the birth of the Christ Child while I was also anticipating the death of my father. Even so, I was able to draw the connection that, even in the midst of death and despair, Christ comes. A week after my father died we celebrated the birth of the savior of the world. That is the good news. Christ comes.

So this year I am trying to be present in Advent. Even as the Christmas tree and lights and cookies remind me of hospital beds and visiting nurses and funeral directors, I know that Christ comes. In fact, Christ comes right into our living rooms whether they are filled with presents or littered with medications and oxygen machines. Christ still comes.

This is the good news.

Renewal

I'm feeling a little low on spiritual-reserves lately, so it is a good thing I am getting away for a Spiritual Renewal Retreat this week. I am headed to the Weston Priory for a couple of days of quiet time to renew my soul and restore my spirit. I hope to return filled and ready for the Advent season.

It is easy for me to neglect this renewal time and think I can get by on empty for just a little longer. In fact, I am having trouble remembering the last time I got away specifically for spiritual renewal. Sure, I've taken vacations and attended continuing education events, but spiritual renewal is something different. Spiritual renewal is a specific and deliberate set-aside-time to spend with God. I feel blessed to work within a denomination that recognizes the need for such time. I am grateful to serve a church that encourages me to spend the time away from them to renew myself so I can be a better pastor.

So I wonder what God will have in store for me this week in the quiet moments we will spend together. I have a couple of books to bring and some writing I would like to do, but I am also looking forward to just "being" for a period of time. Just being and listening and opening myself to that still, small voice.

Friday Five (on Saturday): Uplifted Edition

The days are getting shorter and darker. It is easy to get down this time of year. The RevGalBlogPal "Friday Five" is an invitation to think about what gives you a lift. RevGal Sally writes:

"Over the last few weeks I have been struggling with depression, I know that from reading other folks blogs that I am not alone in this, and from time to time if not suffering from depression that everyone feels down. With that in mind I wonder what lifts you?"

So I'd like you to share 5 things:

1. A Scripture- it might be a verse or a whole book!

Psalm 126 always lifts my Spirits, particularly verses 1 & 2:

¹ When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
² Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.

I can't help but smile right along with them! The Lord has done great things for us. Amen!

2. A piece of music.

My general answer is anything Dar Williams. Dar's music is funny and touching and poignant. I love all her CDs. I hear my own life reflected in her songs. Sometimes, though, I need something with a little more kick to it and that is when I get out Sheryl Crow or Meredith Brooks or Alanis Morissette. Other times something quieter and (more) spiritual is called for so I turn to my Taize CDs. I guess it all depends on the circumstances!

3. A place.

Home. I am a homebody. I love puttering around the house. I love the quiet of being home alone. I love reading on the couch and playing ball with Bady in the backyard. I even enjoy doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen and washing the floors. If I am stressed or having a bad day give me an afternoon at home alone to clean and putter and read and I will soon be in much better spirits.

4. A person/ group of people

Gary. He's the one who has walked with me through my darkest days. He's seen me at my worst and he's stuck with me. He knows what to do when I'm sick or sad or grumpy. He's the one I want to have around no matter what. (Thanks Honey!)

5. Something you do...

I could be having a difficult week at work or a challenging time at home, but when I get out on the Schutzhund field with Bady and my training friends I forget all about it. It is a place completely apart from the day to day stressors of my life. Schutzhund challenges me in a completely different way. After an afternoon or evening of training ~ in the rain, in the heat, in the snow, in the cold ~ I am rejuvenated and ready to face whatever challenges await back at home or in the office.

Eating Local

This year we signed up for our first CSA (Community Supported Agriculture). We started receiving our weekly boxes of veggies in June and I'll pick up our last box next week. It has been an interesting experience. We definitely threw away more food than I would like to admit. (How many tomatoes, cucumbers and zucchini can one eat in a week?) We also experienced some new vegetables and some new ways to cook familiar ones. I made mashed celeriac for the first time! We also ate a LOT of squash ~ acorn, butternut and delicata!

We wasted a lot of greens (kale and collard, for example) because we just didn't know what do with them and they wilted before we figured it out. Next year I would like to do better with preserving food so that it doesn't go to waste as well as figuring out how to eat the more perishable stuff in time.

All in all, we enjoyed it. We had fun pointing out all the "Vermont grown" food we were eating. It is nice to know that the food we enjoyed was not shipped across the country, but came from just up the road. It was also good to know that we were supporting a local farm through our share commitment, especially with all the flooding both in the spring and fall. And who knew that Vermont jalapenos would be so hot!

Five This Fall

I haven't been great about keeping up on things this fall! So here are five things that have happened so far this September and October.

1. At the end of September we participated in our second Walk to Defeat ALS. So far the walk has raised $50,000. Amazing! There seemed to be more walkers than last year. This, perhaps, means that there is more awareness of ALS in our community. It could also mean that more people are being diagnosed. Last year we walked in honor of my father. This year we walked in memory of him. It was a bittersweet day and I hope that the donations we raised can bring us closer to a cure so families no longer have to go through what we went through.

2. This week I've enjoyed a little vacation visiting with some of my favorite girls including this little cutie!

3. And this little cutie too! It was so much fun to be "Auntie Krista for a couple of days.

4. After my visit with the girls, Gary and I spent the night in Springfield with his landlord family. They treated us to a delicious dinner of chicken vegetable soup and tamales! It was my first time ever having a tamale. After I figured out how to unwrap them from the corn husk they were very good. The sauce was a little spicy for me, though. After dinner we snuck out for an ice-cream sundae. I had peanut butter ice-cream with peanut butter topping and peanut butter cups. Yum! On our way back to Burlington on Friday we stopped in Killington and watched some of the Dock Dogs National Championships. The jumps these dogs took were amazing!

5. Our most recent adventure this fall was running in the "Four Paws for Lacey's Cause" 5K. Lacey's Cause is a non-profit that supports the medical care of retired police dogs in Vermont. It was my first 5K and I was pleased not to come in last! At at 77 degrees it was very warm for a Vermont fall day. I was glad to support Bady's "brethren in blue." After the race we saw some K-9 demos from local and state police K-9s and their handlers.

So far it has been an eventful fall!